Thursday, July 28, 2011

Superficial.

I just watched my guilty pleasure show, "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" (I know, I know). And I don't think I have ever been more disappointed in a celebrity before after this weeks episode. Kim suddenly got Psoriasis, (not even all over, just random spots) and acted like her life was over, and probably truly believed it was. Her mom said she had it and cried herself to sleep for months when she was first diagnosed and compared it to Leporasy and scaring Kim into ever dating again, and Kim wasn't much better saying she wouldn't be hired to model anymore and couldn't wear dresses on the runway ever again. I literally wanted to punch the screen. People like her are why I am so glad I have experienced life outside our superficial little bubble. I am so fortunate to have been apart of a camp for children with skin diseases. Harsh, skin diseases, DEADLY, painful, scarring, repetitive. Types nobody in the world should have to live with. And you know what? Those kids always have a smile on their face and never ever complain. It makes me sick that people are that shallow and can only get by on their looks. How sad it would be to actually have to use your brain to earn money rather than only being remembered by how big your butt is. It's sad really.

People I know are fully aware they are going to die of their disease. I can't even imagine. I can't even grasp that concept. Living every day to the fullest knowing that the disease you were born with will one day kill you. And here she is worried about a few patches ruining a photoshoot. And she is making money off of her ignorance which irritates me even more. I swear, I think the saddest part is, is that most people think like this. Most people actually are so insecure that they believe every possibility is derived on looks. If you're not in perfect condition you won't find happiness. You won't find a significant other, nobody will hire you, your friends will exclude you, nobody will want to touch you, nobody will look past your appearance into your character. In the world we live in, a lot of this is true for the most part. It's true because other people make it important, and make it matter. If people didn't place such importance on superficial notions, a person would be judged completely differently. I guess we just need to change people's perceptions and outlook on the world. But it becomes nearly impossible when you have networks broadcasting celebrities complaining about their so-called "problems."

So, I definitely wouldn't call this show a guilty pleasure. Maybe guilty disgust.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

It's a Cycle.

Whenever we get hurt, we tend to blame anyone but ourselves. We don't see any ideal cause of why we would want to make ourselves feel pain, so we just assume the other person involved had a sneaky little plan to ruin a situation we once envisioned could stay perfect forever. But if you think about it, we really set up our own hurt. We trust people when we know they don't trust us the same amount back, we forgive people we know could never forgive us for doing the same thing, we make excuses for situations we all know the real explanation for, and we give into the same cycles over and over.

Nobody wants to be the one who hurts someone else, so you ignore the inevitable to hopefully ensure a different result: a result you know will never happen. We all have those people we give a million chances to because we can't allow ourselves to let go. Or we're too scared they might do something stupid if you finally admit to yourself that they will end up hurting you again. It's a cycle that they are well aware of.

People know how to manipulate others into feeling sorry enough for them to just forget the past. They can say those magic words of "I've changed," and somehow you always believe them. And somehow they always let you down again and again. They know what they're doing, that's the most annoying part about it. They usually say "I'm sorry," and "you were the best I ever had," so it becomes really difficult to stay mad at them. I don't know how to quit the cycle of hurt. I always tell myself this is the last time I'm going to forgive them, but somehow I always give in. I guess I'm too scared to risk other people's happiness because I know how it feels to lose it from someone. I would rather give into the situation well aware they will hurt me again as long as I don't hurt them in the same way. It's such a flaw, but I just hope that this person will stop the cycle since they know I'm not strong enough to do it first.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Life is like Jenga.

Life is like the game of Jenga. You can try and take pieces out of a tower slowly, carefully, and cautiously. But eventually, the tower will fall down. It can only stand on so many pieces without others noticing when it all comes crashing down.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Bring it on.

This summer I'm changing it up. I'm not going to waste my time hanging out with people who make it impossible to see them. If it seems like I'm making you a priority and you're treating me like an option, forget it. I don't care how close you consider us, or how good of an excuse you think of for why you ditched me, I'm not going to worry about it. This summer I want to be carefree, spontaneous, drama-free, happy-go-lucky, and adventurous. I want to start fresh with those people who never given up on me or our friendships, and build upon those relationships that have proved to be withstanding. I want to stay in touch with those people who have been there for me in San Francisco, even if I'm miles away. I want to see things I've never seen, drive on roads I've never drove on, and never shut down an opportunity for something new. Bring it on, summer.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Second Chances.

Everyone makes mistakes, but does everyone deserve a second chance? I'm all for giving second chances as long as a person doesn't take advantage of forgiveness. But being in the position of asking for a second chance absolutely sucks. It is the worst when the person forgives you, yet they tell you nothing will ever be the same again. I'd almost rather not be forgiven. To know I can't change anything about the future, no matter what, kills me. When someone tells you "it is what it is," and that things are "just different" now takes away the little hope I once had. I don't see the point anymore. What is the point of saying sorry, seeking forgiveness, and learning from mistakes when the other person doesn't give you the one chance you need.

I just don't know what to do, or how to make it better. I can't live in regret or guilt anymore for something that turned into a way bigger issue than it should have. I give up trying to win everyone back because clearly nobody knows the real me anymore. I'm tired of having to prove to people that I'm the same. If you knew me, you know me. And those who stick with me, stuck by me which I appreciate more than they currently realize. Believe me, I've given my fair share of "second" chances out to people who didn't deserve them, or didn't care to better from them, and have gotten it thrown back in my face. But I've never regretted giving someone another chance. I've only regretted NOT giving someone a second chance. That is something you'll have to live with. What if they died in a car crash and you suddenly have to live with how you shut them out, deleted them from your lives, and didn't at least hear them out. If someone means so much to you, why would you let them go that easily? At one point, they were the person you needed.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

I Wish Nothing but the Best.

It's weird to not know anything about someone you knew everything about. Lately I've been finding out "through the grape-vine," things that the person can't tell me myself. It is really hard not being there for the people you always were. To make sure their new friends and boyfriends are good to them, to make sure school is going okay. I know it isn't my responsibility, but I miss pretending it was. I stay up late anxiously worrying about how people's lives are now. I wish I didn't, because I know they aren't doing the same. I just wish things could go back to how they were. Back to the days where I could be excited to hear the good things going on in a person's life instead of feeling sad that they couldn't tell me themselves. Just as Adele sings, "Nevermind I'll find someone like you, I wish nothing but the best for you, too." That whole song basically fits how I feel right now. I wish you the best, even if I can't tell you myself.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

I Can't Decide.

I can't decide whether or not to come back "home" for the summer. I was always planning on coming back, but then I started thinking today, why would I want to do that? Yes, it will save me thousands of dollars, sure I'll get to catch up with people...but right now that doesn't seem worth it. It's easier to be here. To be away from the chaos and constant disappointment that place seems to always bring. Friends who I thought were the best suddenly have their own lives. I can't complain because I guess I do too. But only a few actually take the time to hang out with me when I do come home. I notice those people. I don't have to constantly ask them to make time for me, they willingly set aside time. But like I said, that is only a couple people. And those couple people know why I don't want to come back, and I think they would support staying in SF because of it. Sometimes it's just easier running away from the bad, even if you're isolated away from everything familiar. But then again, should I just face what I one day will have to? Things would be different if this summer was like last summer. When everyone liked everyone else and every summer day was carefree. We'd drive to the beach just for gelato, and drive through the canyon at 3 am just to feel rebellious. Knowing that this summer can't be like that discourages me. But maybe living in uncertainty will be best. That's when you grow the most.

At this point I should just write "OC" and "SF" on two crumbled papers, throw it in a bag, and draw one out. And that would be it. I'm such a bad decision maker.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

What is the World Coming to?

Is it sad that I honestly believe I could be a better parent than mine? I constantly have to tell them what to do (not that they listen) when it comes to what they should've done with me and what they should do with my brother. I think it's disappointing that my little brother is in this much trouble at his age. And it's gotten so bad that I can't make it better. I blame a lot on my parents, but they raised me the same way and I am nowhere close to as stupid as him. In a way, this makes me so scared to ever have kids of my own. I just don't get what this world is coming to, especially with the younger generations. All of my friends are similar in how they live their lives with me, but all our our younger siblings have completely gone off course and it just scares me for our future. Someone should tell them there is more to life than weed and fighting.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Oh Take Me Back to the Start...

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start


I hate that things are like this. I hate that I have to sneak around to talk to certain people I used to talk to every day. I hate that people here see me as the complete opposite person of who I really am. I hate avoiding the places we used to go to all the time just in case I'd awkwardly run into you. I just want to go back to how it was. When we'd all hang out together without fighting. Without trying to drag someone down just for the fun of it. I still just don't understand how we got to this point. I would give anything to have those days back. I wish you'd accept my millions of apologies because I don't know what else to do. I'm literally dreading moving back to Orange County this summer. Because of you. I can't take this constant rush of anxiety that never leaves my body being here. I just feel out of place because of a misunderstanding you never took the time to understand. I drove by your house tonight. Your light was on and I wanted to shout up to it like the old days. But I can't. I don't know how to start over without you.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I Wonder...

Why is it so hard for people to be happy for others? I can tell who a true friend is based on how they react when something goes well for you. Most will not want to talk about whatever you are happy about and it's just sad. I think that trait is very desirable in a person. It's exactly why I don't tell most people positive things in my life. Instead of saying "You're so lucky," which has a jealous connotation, you should genuinely show the same excitement they are showing and it will make the world of difference.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

"sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

It's weird how we can lose something or someone we never thought we ever would. And then when you do, you never think you'll ever be able to replace them. At the time you go through lists of everything they do that nobody ever could do better. You think you can never have as much fun, or be completely yourself around without even trying. You can call them "slut" and "whore" more than their actual names and they don't care. You spend all your free time together, and as soon as you get home from being with them you text them up until you see them again. They make sure you get home okay, you have fun just going to the gym together, you can look at each other and know exactly what they are thinking, they make you laugh without even bothering to ask about why you are sad, they take your sarcasm willingly, they can see through your bitchy facade and point out your genuineness, they keep you accountable, they send you "goodnight texts," and song lyrics. They choose you to talk to when they're in a bad mood, and apologize for doing it so often when really you love it. They don't complain about your horrible driving or about how you get lost to their house even though you go there every day, they say you look pretty, they tell you they love you over and over again until you have to yell "i believe you" at them, they make you pinky promises, they make a wish when you run a yellow light, they make promises you both know they won't keep just to make you feel better at the time, and they don't care that you are super super wayyy too over protective over them.

When I lost my best friend who did all of the above, I never thought I'd replace them. I was shattered for a WHILE and after years and years I never moved on. It made me sad to hear her name, or see her posts, or read her old texts. But today I realized that I have a friend here who is becoming extremely close who does every single thing I mentioned above just as my old best friend, and I have faith that it will turn out better. It literally trips me out to have two friends so similar, and actually scares me a little. I am nervous it will end up badly again, but I'm so grateful. I know God put someone out of my life because they were dragging me down for a reason. I never really understood. At one time I told my old friend I wouldn't move away from Orange County if she wasn't okay with it. Then we drifted apart, and I ended up moving away. I'm so happy I did. I was able to move on and come to terms that there are other people just as great, if not better than those you had before. And even though your life may seem broken without your other half at the time, you have enough life and hope to give other people a chance.

It makes my day when people tell me, genuinely, how much I mean to them. Today the same new, amazing friend asked me literally out of nowhere: "Can I tell you something?" Preparing for the worst I said okay... sarcastically. She replied, "You are at the very top of my list for friends in San Fran, there has never been a time where I've been annoyed by you, and I love you." I said same to you, and that I really appreciated it. She repeated the whole thing actually listing a rank of people in order of her many, manyyy friends here. I was number one. And it made my day. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who had a bunch of many friends instead of a few best friends. I don't know why, but I've never been one of those people. I feel like it would hurt less when I lose someone if they were just one of many, but I guess when I'm in a friendship I put so much energy into it that it takes priority of forming other bonds. When I think about it now, all of my close friends I have known for YEARS. And I'm so lucky for that. I just really don't want to have to say goodbye. I even told my friend tonight, "I don't ever want to leave here" in regards to her and SF, and she said "Larisa, no matter what, we'll always be close." I don't think she knows how many people have said that to me and let me down. But I don't think she knows how much I want to believe her.

It's funny how someone you just met can mean more to you than any friend you've ever had.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

A little prayer goes a long way.

Exactly a week ago, my most prized possession (my iPhone) was stolen. As if I wasn't distressed enough, my dad sent me an e-mail both hard and needed to hear. Recently I've just had very bad luck. Random, bad things keep happening. At times I laugh because it's just so ridiculous sometimes. In the past month I have broken my brand new camera (my other prized possession), lost $450 in college bonds through the mail somehow, got my phone stolen, had the same paper completely crash in the middle of within a two day span, got a ticket on the Muni...I'm sure I could go on, but you probably get the point. Don't worry I'm not writing this to make you feel sorry for me, my point is coming.

So in the middle of my breakdown a week ago, my dad made note of all the bad coincidental events happening to me. He listed them all out (and he only knew a couple of the things I listed, too), and told me it was God reminding me not to forget about him. When I first read it I replied to his lengthy paragraph with a simple "shut up." It made me cry and be even more defensive because I knew it was true. He said God was trying to get my attention, saying that he needed me to remember him, and start going to church, pray, or just listen out for him.

There are many things I miss being away at college, but one huge thing is my church I grew up with since first grade. I was really getting into a routine going every week, and I believe going away was a test. A test I failed. God puts you through uncomfortable situations to test you, to help you grow, to help others grow through you, to not give up, to listen for his whispers, to test your character, to show your morals. Sometimes it takes someone else to remind you of this. I'll admit, I've had God tell me these things myself over the past couple months but I pushed it away, I don't really know why. I guess I feel ashamed for letting him down, for not getting involved in church things down here. I guess I started losing faith in his capabilities after things started going downhill a few months ago. When certain things happened, I did not understand why, and probably blamed him instead of myself for a lot of it.

But through realizing I need to pay more attention, and keeping myself accountable, I believe I can restore my drift. Recently I've been praying for the situation a few months ago to get better, even though I saw no sight of that EVER happening, I think it has. I thank God every day for allowing me to turn to him after ignoring him out of bitterness. He truly does answer prayer and puts a sense of contentment in your soul. Areas where you needed peace, he gives serenity. Sure things take time to heal, and some situations just can't be fixed, but turning to God gives me a sense of acceptance at least. It reminds me that everything does happen for a reason. Sometimes you just need to be reminded. And even if you have been, you might need a third party to remind you of what you might be too afraid to face. I watched a live service of my church back home over the weekend, and let's just say I am going to make a big effort in doing that every week. It was all about being aware of God trying to speak to you, and being open to it. Exactly what I needed to hear.

Today I went running through Golden Gate Park and (not surprisingly) got lost. On a random road, I saw a sign reading something about a cross. My friend and I hiked up a steep trail and came across a GIANT cross. HUGE. Unfortunately with my iPhone being gone, only she took a picture and I still need to get it from her. But I couldn't even climb up it, it was that big. Isn't that amazing? A giant cross in the middle of nowhere. God, God is amazing. It made me so happy, and it was just the reminder I needed.

I was going to apologize to those of you who aren't religious, but then I realized this is my blog, my opinion, and I don't apologize for my beliefs. So I thank you for reading hopefully with an open mind.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Photograph.

Every memory of looking out the back door
I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

I miss that town
I miss their faces
You can't erase
You can't replace it

I miss it now
I can't believe it
So hard to stay
Too hard to leave it

If I could I relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change

Monday, February 28, 2011

:(

I'm at my breaking point. I just don't see anything getting better at all. And I'm done pretending.

Numb.

Last night at midnight I drove around alone. I drove past your house, where we went to school, where we got starbucks every day, where we got lost, where we laughed, where we took pictures, where we made memories. As moments spun around my head as I was slowly driving aimlessly around, I was numb. I couldn't cry. I just wished I could go back to those days so bad. I wanted to text you, I wanted to walk through your front door without knocking like I used to. This place won't ever be the same. The more I try and forget, the more I remember. I just want it to go back. I want to go back to those places not alone, but with you.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Admit your Appreciation.

I'm one of those people who is easily annoyed, but easily excited. Something that would not irritate you would probably irritate me, and it's something I'm working on. But at the same time, small things make me so so happy. I can be in the worst mood and a little thing can turn that around for the rest of the day.

It makes me really happy when someone makes an effort to just make me laugh. If I post a status saying I'm in a bad mood and you ask "what's wrong?" It doesn't help much. But those people who will read it, not even reply to it, but then send me stuff to make me laugh without even caring what is wrong seriously makes my day. I love when people feel like it is their duty to change someone's mood. Probably because I am the same way. Or those people who force you to get out and forget about everything. Or even turn the issue you're dealing with into a joke. Or leave you a wall post saying "I miss you," or a text saying they are thinking about you. I love those little gestures. And I appreciate those people so much, I don't think they have any idea. I can't help but hope that I am that for them as well. I take that role as serious as anything in my life, I'm not sure why I care so much, but I do.

A couple months ago a prior best friend (although she still considers me one of hers) who I've lost touch with on and off for awhile texted me one day saying and I quote, "So I'm having like the worst couple of days ever and I could use a smile and you're the only person who can make me smile when I'm having a shitty day." Little things like that make me so happy. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right if someone would actually go to ME to feel better even though we don't even talk anymore. I got her to laugh after one text and we stopped talking shortly after a few more jokes. That night she sent me a goodnight text saying thanking me for cheering her up and that she loved me. I guess you never know the impact you have on people because most won't tell you. That's why when people pass away, they always regret not thanking them more, or not saying I love you one last time. Or simply thank you for being a friend. Thank you for being there. Thank you for making me smile. Simple little sentences like that go a LONG way, even if it's over a message. When I pass away I always want to be remembered as the things I love in other people. I want people to remember me as a positive person, despite my obvious negative outlooks, haha. A nice person despite my over excessive sarcasm. I feel like people wait until it's too late to say what they mean. It's just like the song, "If I die young," by The Band Perry, stating "It's funny when you're dead people start listening."I know I've regretted not telling past friends just how much they meant to me. Who knows if that could've changed something? I know that I try extra hard to stay in contact with the people who say they need me as a friend even if it's obviously a one-sided relationship. I'm willing to be in a friendship that hurts me more by them not being there back if I know I'm helping them. I'm working on that too, because I've realized it isn't fair to be there for the ones who aren't there for you back.

I guess my point is just say what you mean, mean what you say. Don't forget to say 'I love you,' don't forget to thank someone for making your day, don't be scared to admit your appreciation. I think that is a huge reason why the world is so corrupt. People just aren't nice because they don't feel good about being nice. If you don't feel appreciated for your good deeds, why do them, right? I know that sounds cruel, but it is true for most of the people I come across. People often times only do things for themselves. They help others to help themselves, it's horrible. But I believe change starts with one person. And if you show your appreciation, they will show theirs, and it will pass on. It's a great concept, let's try it :)

I love you for being crazy enough to read this whole thing :)<3 See? It's not so hard.

Friday, February 18, 2011

The Sun to my Little Ray.

My eyes clench crying in frustration and regret
Images of what we were before the last sunset
I’m so tired of this sickening feeling
It’s like the same scenes in a movie reeling and reeling
I still see you in pictures with your brave little smile 
While I’m here wishing this whole thing was just a trial
I wish I had the strength to pretend
But all I really want to do is mend
What was once often a walk through the park
I now need a flashlight to see through the dark
I can still hear your laugh like it was yesterday
And how you used to do it every time I would stray
I wish you knew I was falling apart
And how badly I just wish we could take it back from the start
Maybe it’s because we had too much good for too long
After all that time something was bound to go wrong
But I don’t want you to see me as someone who didn’t try
I’ll always be that person who can cheer you up when you cry
I don’t want to be the reason your joy ever gets lost
But I’m willing to do anything for you, no matter the cost
Can we go back to the days of selling lemonade?
When we used to play with dolls and get Pok√©mon cards to trade?
The days you used to live at my house more than your own
You were able to tell what was wrong just based off my tone
Now it seems like you could care less
While I’m sitting here dealing with all of this stress
Without you in my life I just don’t feel the same
And these thoughts racing through my mind every night is making me insane
I’m wishing on every star I see
That someday, somehow you’d come back to me
You know me so much better than I even know myself
I can’t even look at my yearbook you signed on my shelf
Every song reminds me of you singing along
But then it starts to kill me seeing you be so strong
Every time it rained you were like my sun
No matter how sad I was, you always made sure I had fun
My driving never scared you even for a bit
And when I changed your music you’d throw a fit
All the pet peeves I used to make fun of you for
They’re waiting in my head to be tallied and scored
I’m so scared for all the things I do not know
I wish you could send me a crystal ball wrapped up in a bow
I know you’re waiting for me to stop trying like all the rest
But I’m not like the other ones; I’m determined to still be the best
I want you to remember what we had, not what I did
Then let me know if you still want to get rid
I hate that I lost all the years of trust
And now you’re leaving me out in the rain like a penny to rust
At times like these it’s hard to believe everything happens for a reason
I pretend that one day you’ll tell me you were just teasin’
I wish real life were like the movies where I could throw pebbles at your door
I’d be outside with a poster asking for one more chance, just one more
This whole situation just keeps running through my mind
It’s things I wish I would have said written in a book coming out of the bind
Without you I’m like a puzzle missing one piece
Like Beauty without the Beast
Just promise me you won’t say we’re through
Because I honestly don’t know what I would do
But I don’t want to hear promises you can’t keep
When you’re ready, I’m here waiting for my cell to beep
I’m leaving you alone to reach your own conclusion
No manipulation, confusion, or intrusion
I just want you to know you’ll be in my heart no matter what you decide
But I could not live with knowing I never tried
I don’t want your memories to ever fade
I know you were meant to be in the life in which God has made
So for now your pictures lay on my bedroom floor
Until the day you shove me into a frame to take one more
I told myself I wouldn’t try and convince you to stay
I would allow you the time you needed, to take it day by day
All I can really do is think and pray
That someday you’ll regret not wanting to stay
There are so many times I reach for my phone to text you
For now I’ll save them as drafts and someday they’ll be construed
Please take the rain out of my cloud
I want nothing more than to make you proud
I want to thank you for being the best
And for being there when there was no rest
I never took you for granted, not even for a day
Because you were always the sun to my little ray

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

As much as I love living here, there is so much I feel I'll never be able to get used to. I'm not sure if I ever wish to. But it's hard being the outsider sometimes and to play along with things you don't necessarily agree with.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

You Can Change the Situation, but the Situation Won't Change You.

I think there are many times in your life where you wish you could have a new beginning. I think for many people, including myself, college is that escape. Whether you move away or not, I think most people are anxious to get out of the unnecessary drama and schemes of high school. Some people want new reputations, new friends, a place where the past won't follow them, a new appearance, a new expertise, new traits. We all set rules for ourselves when we jump into a new beginning. We promise ourselves we'll be more guarded, less trusting, more open, more private, less involved, a free spirit, modest, wild. We all have opposite goals of what we want to be, and what we hope to become and be perceived as. We claim we are finding ourselves, but do we ever find ourselves? We say "now I know who my real friends are," which I am definitely guilty of. Every time you lose someone you believe the friends you have are the ones there to stay. And then boom, it starts over again. Your experiences make you change your ways of life, or at least make you want to. I think it's a hard struggle. I've been told I'm too trusting, too guarded, too conservative, too crazy, too shy, too open... I don't know what to believe and I don't know how to act anymore. People are always going to judge you one way or another. It's hard to find a balance where you remain respected, but also fun to be around. People look at who you're with and stereotype you without knowing the entire situation.

When I decided to move away from the people who knew me, I told myself many things in order to be perceived differently. I took what past friends have complained about, or boasted me about, and tried to set a new way of life. But it's impossible. I told myself I wouldn't become too close to anyone here, that I wouldn't let anyone in like I did before because it's too hard when one person moves back, or allows one thing to ruin something good. I told myself I would stick to my morals, but remain someone fun to be around. Which is definitely harder than I thought it would be. It's weird being around such different, carefree personalities here. I told myself simple things too. I told myself I wouldn't judge anyone for being different than what I was used to (sounds dumb, but sometimes, especially in such a liberal place, it's hard), I wouldn't rule anyone out no matter how different their views were, I told myself I wouldn't get mad at people for making stupid decisions, I told myself I wouldn't need to be last person to text in a conversation (which is one of my anxiety-ridden OCD things), I wouldn't always make sure someone is okay, or force them to talk to me. I didn't want to be characterized as a protective person anymore. That was a really, really difficult reputation to live up to. I lost friends over it, I lost sleep over it, I allowed it to overshadow my own needs. These were all things I told myself to not stick to, and I haven't stuck to any of them aside from becoming a lot more open-minded and less modest though which allows me to finally have a well-rounded experience here.

It's so hard to change who you are, and how you were made. Certain people remind me of those from back home, and I find myself treating them just like I did before without even thinking. It's so difficult to not allow yourself to care about someone else, to not care if they're putting themselves in a bad situation, to not stick to what you've always known.

This past weekend I realized I really can't change my personality, no matter how much I try and trick myself into it. When we were celebrating a few different events over the weekend, I realized people really don't care as much about other people as I do. I found myself the only one concerned about how much people were drinking, even though their best friends could have cared less. At one point I told a friend to slow down on everything, and her best friend came up to me tried convincing me it was fine that she was losing control. All I know is I would never think it would be fine to let my best friend get that out of hand. But hey, that's just me. When we were celebrating Superbowl, one of my good friends here looked right at me and promised she wouldn't smoke a cigg with our friend who does smoke. I made her promise a few times before I let her go outside. Our table was right to the window and I saw her smoking. We needed to catch the bus and when we went outside she tried to hide it, I just looked at her and just felt really disappointed. She told me she had only done it a couple times, hates the smell, hates the feeling, but only does it when she's drunk. I got a flashback of some of my best friends back home doing the same thing. The same look, like they knew they got caught doing something they didn't even stand for. Why would you be a hypocrite, and do something you've always hated? A lot of my friends started off that way to the point where they became addicted. I have no clue why I even care, I try so hard not to, but I can't stand watching people make stupid decisions they regret the next day. Half the time they say the next day, "why did you guys let me do that?" Well, I'm one of those people who will do anything in my power not to let you do that. People may hate me, people may thank me, but I can't change my persona.

I've had a few really good friends thank me much later for caring too much. At the time they yelled at me and I had regretted it, but I've had enough people appreciate me for being the only friend who knows the 'real them,' and being the only one who genuinely cared for their well being. Sometimes you lose who you are in a situation, and only someone who knows you really well can remind you of what you're risking. They get angry because they know it isn't the 'real them,' and they just didn't want to admit it to themselves. I've had best friends tell other people stories starting off with "don't tell Larisa." Those times were tough. I felt like they didn't trust me, when really they didn't want to feel ashamed by someone who knew their morals (as some friends have later admitted to me after confronting them). I've been on the opposing side too, and later on I've always been grateful to the people who reminded me to stay true to myself. I've had friends give up on me for saying I've changed into someone else, it's the worst feeling in the world. It's the hardest when you realize they were right, and they don't give you that last chance you needed. I promised myself I wouldn't stop giving chances to people, but honestly a lot of people just don't deserve them anymore. But at times when I didn't deserve one, I could have used one. You realize eventually you need accountability friends. Friends who aren't afraid to tell you you're messing up. Friends who are willing to risk you being mad at them to prove a point. Friends who stick with you after you make stupid decisions no matter how hard it was to watch them digress.

I'm realizing that no matter what situation you are put in, your mind works a unique, specific way. God gives you that mindset for a purpose. Whether you are frustrated that you care too much, over-analyze everything, are too protective, too different, it's all for a reason. I need to learn to thank God for the way he made me instead of looking at the negatives and risks. He doesn't give you anything you can't handle, so you should handle it in your own way. People's perceptions should not change your actions, or your essence. Just like my blog quote, "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything."

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Don't Hate, Appreciate.

Everyone has good and bad days; but as long as the good ones outweigh the bad, then it's all worth it. And as long as you have friends to get you through the worst, you wouldn't have known what made them the best. <3

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

It's Been 3 Months, but it Feels Like 3 Years...

It's been exactly three months from one of the worst nights of my life. It feels like so much longer. I thought it would have gotten easier by now, but it hasn't. 

My collage of pictures is still sitting on my floor next to my new empty poster frame because I can't bring myself to hang it up. Remember when I redid all the pictures in my frame before I left for school? I made you come over that night to see it as soon as I was finished. You brought me a peace tea for absolutely no reason and it made my night. I remember saying "look! you're in pretty much all of the pictures this time! I'm tired of having to redo it every time I'm not friends with someone and you're the only one I've been friends with forever and I know I won't have to replace them, so please always be friends with me so I won't have to do all this work again?" I remember you rolling your eyes at my sarcasm, laughing and saying "duhh." And now they're sitting on my floor ungluing from the paper. I don't even know what to do with it. All I know is that I'm not replacing them. It's little things like that, that are the hardest.

I miss watching all of our favorite shows and texting the entire time our reactions to them. They're just not amusing anymore to me. I hate seeing our mutual friends post pictures of you. I can't help but to think I should be in them. I hate that it was so easy for you to erase me from your life, but I'm probably just jealous I can't do the same. It was hard for me to delete our pictures, it looks like we were never even friends now, it just doesn't look right to me. And even though I deleted all your music on my iPhone, every song reminds me of you.

I guess I'm losing hope because I remember how you've talked about people who have screwed you over before (not that I did that, but still). You always said it's easier to forget about them, not talk to them anymore. That it's less drama that way, and it takes too much energy to try and fix it. I hate that I'm that person now. And I hope you're not using those tactics with me.

It's funny because now we've talked since then. I don't know if it's harder not talking to you at all, or vaguely talking to you every so often. But every time we do, it seems like I'm talking to an acquaintance, not someone who was my best friend. Our conversations are impersonal and conservative. It's like we don't know how to be ourselves with each other anymore when we used to be so real, raw, and free before. I get really happy when I see you text me every so often, but I miss when my phone used to light up with your name every three minutes 24/7. You were the only one who wouldn't think I was crazy for texting random non-important things all day long. We never ran out of things to talk about. "And I'm dyin' to know, Is it killing you Like it's killing me? I don't know what to say since a twist of fate, when it all broke down, And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now...Oh I'm scared to see the ending why are we pretending this is nothing, I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how, I've never heard silence quite this loud."

Nobody understands why I still want to be friends with you. Even when I try and convince them I was the one who was wrong. They all tell me I'm dumb for still talking to you, still trying to fix things. But I don't think they know how it is to have a friend like you. I guess it's like when you get mad at someone for wanting to still date their ex after he cheated on them. You always want to say they're an idiot for forgiving someone no matter how much they were in love. I used to be one of those people, until I got a new, unwanted perspective. I try and trick my mind into thinking I'm better off with the help of other people always trying to back that idea up, but it never works. I can't lie to myself. I can't say what others say about you, because they don't know the real you like I did. I've learned you can't judge someone else's relationship unless you're in it. Outside views are inaccurate. Sometimes I think they were just jealous of our friendship though. It's sad when other people want something great to fail because they are envious. 

I don't know how many more times I have to say I'm sorry before it means something to you.  But it's been three months and it feels like three years. I don't want to know how another three months feels. Remember how we planned for you to get famous and rich, then we'd move to New York and live together while I worked at Vogue? I still want that to happen. 

I know we can't just jump into how we were, I just hope we can slowly start over. 


"If we crawl
Till we can walk again 

Then we'll run 
Until we're strong enough to jump
Then we'll fly
Until there is no end
So lets crawl, crawl, crawl
Back to love."

Monday, January 31, 2011

Lifehouse: It is What it is.

too long we've been denying
now we're both tired of trying
we hit a wall and we can't get over it
nothing to relive
it's water under the bridge
you said it, i get it
i guess it is what it is

i was only trying to bury the pain
but i made you cry and i can't stop the crying
was only trying to save me
but i lost you again
now there's only lying
wish i could say it's only me

Friday, January 28, 2011

Stuck in Reverse.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
I'm about to break. I can't pretend to be happy anymore.

Never Satisfied.

I hate when people just seem never satisfied. Desires seem to overcome every single person these days. They complain they don't have a job, then they complain they have too many hours when they finally get one. They complain they want to be a in a relationship, but then when they're in one they just complain about how it's going too fast, or too slow. They say they want to get away from everything, but then when they do, they claim they miss the past. They say they want to lose 5 pounds, but then the next week they say they meant 5 pounds a week. I don't get it. What's the point in even wanting anything or wishing something when you're never happy with what you have. People aren't thankful for what is right in front of them until someone else points it out to them. They don't see the beauty within someone as another person does. They don't realize other people are jealous of how people perceive you in the world. They don't realize they have a million great relationships, a career obviously set in stone, supportive family and close friends. They just see what they want to see. They focus on how they're overworked and unappreciated. I wish I could make people see what I see in them. Maybe then they'd have a different perspective. But then again, I'm sure this whole statement is just a hypocritical opinion. I know I do the same thing. So this is not only a letter to other people out there, but also to myself.

I don't want to seem unsatisfied with my choices I've made. Even though I can't stand my living situation, I am still happy with my choice to live here. There are always going to be obstacles in every choice you make, but you just have to learn how to take the good with the bad. Not everything can be perfect or have a fairy tale ending. Not every relationship can have no arguments, not every friendship can have no falling outs. Not every job can have the exact amount of hours or pay, not every class can have no homework. Acceptance is the first step to satisfaction. Once you learn to accept that everything cannot and WILL not be perfect, you'll find yourself being a lot more comfortable with situations you were once uncomfortable with. As bad as it sounds, I find comfort in the fact that things can always be worse so it makes it hard to feel sorry for myself. When things are bad I think at least I don't have a crazy roommate who parties and leaves my house a mess instead of being annoyed at her OCD tactics. Instead of being frustrated with my family, I think at least I have a family. At least I don't have divorced parents like most of the world and at least they aren't alcoholics or unfaithful. Instead of dwelling on the fact that I've lost so many good friends lately, I think of all the new friendships I'm now making, and how past obstacles are making those only stronger. I truly believe mistakes help form your perspectives on the future. I don't think I would have these views if I hadn't seen so much pain in the world, or gone through some tough situations myself. But I know that things could be worse, and that I don't want to live my life constantly unsatisfied.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

You Can't Have it Both Ways.

Is it better to be a doormat or be the foot stepping on it? Is it better letting others push you around, or being the one pushing others around? It's really hard to find that balance for me. I think I'm either a bitch or a pushover. I need to work on this a lot. But I just hope people don't mistaken sarcasm for being truthfully mean. Because I think I use sarcasm so much due to not standing up for myself enough. I just don't see the point. People act how they want to act, and their minds most likely won't change based off whatever you say back to them. So I would rather avoid a fight since it doesn't get you anywhere anyway.

But lately it's annoying me that people take advantage of this. Especially my friends who know my tactics. They know I won't get mad back at them even though they were in the wrong. So maybe I should change it up. But that's a lot easier said than done. I wish it wasn't so difficult for me to be nice and stand up for myself at the same time. I'm envious of people who have mastered this skill. I hate when people call me a bitch, and I hate when people call me a pushover. I don't know where this leaves me.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Don't Wonder why you were Chosen.

Instead of asking, "Why me," ask "Why not me?" If an exact replica of your problems were passed on to someone else on the Earth do you think they'd handle it better than you? Maybe you're the best candidate. Take it as a compliment rather than a burden. Instead of asking why you were chosen, figure out what to make of it now that you have been chosen. You can't change the cards you've been dealt, so bluff and make do with what you have. My favorite bible verse relates to this well:
 "The Lord directs our steps, so why try and understand everything along the way?"
-Proverbs 20:24 (New Translation)

Monday, January 17, 2011

Life is how you define it.

I'm not going to lie, this is going to be difficult for me to write about because I don't usually talk about this topic with people, even though I should. And it's 4:30 in the morning so bare with me. I just think people need to be informed about an issue that affects me every day.

I was born with Ichthyosis, a rare genetic skin disorder. It is where you make your skin every other day instead of every 8 days (approx.) like a normal person. This means my body is constantly producing new layers at an abnormal rate. For instance, if I get a cut, it might be almost healed in a couple days where most people it would appear a lot longer. Also, hair is considered a "bamboo type." It grows in shoots like bamboo which cause it to break off more easily. I was born with only a 10% chance of surviving, and it took years to even diagnosis the disease correctly. Ichthyosis is not something you would know could appear in your child. Both of my parents have a recessive gene for the disease, meaning they had no idea and were rather confused when I came out. I was kept in a hospital immediately after birth for months and wasn't allowed to come home permanently almost a year later. My mom spent the majority of her life in the hospital trying to figure out what was wrong. They later found out it would be a 1 in 4 chance of their child getting it. I got it, while my younger brother, born on my fourth birthday did not. A lot of treatment is trial and error, and I believe my condition was worse when I was younger because I had no input in what was being done to me, and doctors were so unfamiliar with me. My entire childhood I went to hundreds of doctors, missed school in hopes it could lead to beneficial research to them. I later realized they couldn't help me. I would go into an appointment optimistic hoping a doctor would have a better lotion for me, and the entire time he would just ask questions to gain knowledge for himself. I hated it. I didn't understand why I knew more information than they did. After years of that, I gave up. I haven't been to a dermatologist in years, while most others go every month. I don't see the point anymore, and doctors just frustrate me and make me lose hope.

It only affects less than 200,000 people in the United States. I know, that number might seem high, but to compare, cancer affects 1.5 million people EACH year and equal to 1,500 deaths per year. Let's just say what I have is something you probably won't ever come across again. Because of this, there is little research. I have always relied on my parents for information up until recently I got annoyed that they knew close to nothing, and have been spending hours on the Internet trying to find some kind of modern information. I found nothing. Literally, nothing. Google it...it's pretty sad, honestly. The problem is people are so unaware of disorders not constantly discussed about. People donate to organizations all over the media such as cancer. You can just walk into a store and find loads of "pink" products to buy in which will support cancer research. It makes sense though. Cancer impacts more people, it is more lethal, it is more in your face. If I had a lot of money, I'd probably donate to them too. Why donate to organizations so far behind and extremely rare? I don't have a good answer except that you have to start somewhere. My parents made me think negatively from the start on this one. They told me it is so in need of funding that barely any research is even being done anymore because doctors are so focused in finding cures to more commonalities. Doctors get discouraged with the lack of support. Think about it, when you ask an aspiring doctor what they want to do, what do most say? "I want to find the cure to cancer!" But like I said, it makes sense. And I don't blame them at all. It's hard to think about the fact that if our organization could even have 3% of what other organizations make, maybe there could have been a cure by now. At the same time, it's frustrating to not have anywhere to turn, and nobody to ask aside from yourself. I think for that reason it has made me purely rely on myself for any medical problem. I never go to the doctor for anything, unless I really think I'm dying.

 It's not like one of those disorders in which you can treat, and maybe it'll go away someday. You can't just see doctors, take a pill, pray to God, and it will go away. It's not like that at all. You can't have a surgery or buy a lotion to fix it. You can't control when you get infections or constant illnesses so extreme it is painful to walk. You can't escape the rigorous, painful, daily morning routines you can't skip even for one day. It is common to get a lot more bacteria in your system. Bladder infections, ear infections, overheating, difficulties getting blood drawn, high heart-rate, exhaustion, depression, anxiety, are all common additional factors people experience on top of this disorder. It is probably why I have had Ecoli more than three times, and a recent kidney problem, along with extreme versions of common illnesses such as severe strep and even chicken pocks (which I was both hospitalized for). Simple sicknesses can easily turn into deathly infections. But I never treated myself as any different than anyone else. I believe I can do anything anyone else can do. While others think they shouldn't exercise to do overheating, I work out as a solution to the frustration I get from all of this.  I don't consider it unbearable to any degree, and honestly I wouldn't notice it very much if it weren't for other people noticing it for me. I'm so used to it by now it doesn't phase me, and I'm used to the fact that there isn't anything I can do to change it. It is like trying to change your brown eyes to blue. My parents have never treated me any different, were never over-protective at all, and forced me to do everything any other kid was doing. At times that was really difficult, but looking back I'm thankful because I was included in normal activities and have no regrets. I was able to play sports and have a normal social life. I was blessed in that area, and have always been able to maintain great friendships which means the world to me.

The only products out there to help are pretty dangerous steroids which are really not worth the end result, and is hard to keep track of. I think it's easier just living life how it's meant to without having to constantly monitor pills and doctor appointments. Despite my negativity for the treatment to my disorder, I think I am optimistic in how I live my life. I don't change anything. I still go out when I'm in pain, and I won't let anyone know. I'm not the type to just stay at home in misery, or let people feel sorry for me at all which is why I don't usually talk about any of this. When strangers come up to me curious, I don't even tell them the truth because I don't want anyone worrying. It's hard to explain it where people will understand; people jump to conclusions, offer to call the paramedics, give me phone numbers to their so called "life-saving" doctors, tell me stories in which they believe relate to me, baby me, or mistake my disease for carelessness and lack of protecting myself. I remember when I was younger people would come up to my parents and yell at them thinking they did not take care of me. I think the worst feeling of this whole thing is the guilt. I hated that feeling more than anything. I wanted to yell at them for even accusing such a thing. It doesn't matter when people come up to me, but when they drag others down with me, that's when it gets to me. I hate when people have to tell me their hour-long stories when all I'm trying to do is shop with my friends. I hate when people make stupid remarks, I let it go, but my friends feel like they have to be mean back to them for me. I appreciate it, but I can handle it. It's easier to let it go sometimes even though there are many times where I would just LOVE to just punch them in the face instead of answer all of their repetitive questions.

I think I've spent too much of my life being in denial. I want to use what God has given me to help others. To help inform instead of ignore and hope it'll just go away. Because it won't. I'm going to be stuck with it forever, so I might as well make the best of it. I can't even begin to blame anyone or feel sorry for myself. I don't think I'd have it any other way. Today I was talking to someone similar to me and read an article she wrote describing the disease as "chronic." I asked her why she considered our disease chronic and she told me it is because it is considered being long-lasting and recurrent or characterized by long suffering. To me, I never ever defined it as chronic. To me, that makes it seem deadly, and a hinderance on your entire life. I don't believe Ichthyosis is a long suffering. That just sounds morbid to me. It's more of a blessing in disguise. I can't bring myself to consider it that serious after I see people with much more painful endeavors. I can't bring myself to complain about it because in the back of my mind I know it could be a million times worse. I'll admit sometimes I've asked God, "Why me?" out of frustration and discouragement, but I know God has given me something this tough for a reason, and I know he wouldn't have given it to me if I couldn't handle it. I find peace in the trust he has blessed me with. I can't question his reasoning. I can't ask him why was I chosen instead of my brother. Everything is for a reason. He gave me the gift of ambition, writing, and concern for others. And I want to put all of those to use as much as I can. Without Ichthyosis, I would not have been able to meet the MANY inspirational people I have. Camp alone has made it worth it for me. Meeting kids with diseases a billion times worse than mine makes me feel like an idiot for even thinking what I have is a problem. Some of those kids are just amazing. Their smiles never fade, their ambition and strength is more than I have ever seen. It keeps me holding on during the tough days. I just think of them and think if those little kids can get through severe pain every day, I can get through a moment. It's worth feeling low self-esteem at times, discouraged, and down even if I can help one single person.

I want to be completely open about this now because I think I've been too closed off for way too long. I'm sorry for not discussing it before. I want anyone to feel free to comment or ask any questions!