Tuesday, March 22, 2011

"sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

It's weird how we can lose something or someone we never thought we ever would. And then when you do, you never think you'll ever be able to replace them. At the time you go through lists of everything they do that nobody ever could do better. You think you can never have as much fun, or be completely yourself around without even trying. You can call them "slut" and "whore" more than their actual names and they don't care. You spend all your free time together, and as soon as you get home from being with them you text them up until you see them again. They make sure you get home okay, you have fun just going to the gym together, you can look at each other and know exactly what they are thinking, they make you laugh without even bothering to ask about why you are sad, they take your sarcasm willingly, they can see through your bitchy facade and point out your genuineness, they keep you accountable, they send you "goodnight texts," and song lyrics. They choose you to talk to when they're in a bad mood, and apologize for doing it so often when really you love it. They don't complain about your horrible driving or about how you get lost to their house even though you go there every day, they say you look pretty, they tell you they love you over and over again until you have to yell "i believe you" at them, they make you pinky promises, they make a wish when you run a yellow light, they make promises you both know they won't keep just to make you feel better at the time, and they don't care that you are super super wayyy too over protective over them.

When I lost my best friend who did all of the above, I never thought I'd replace them. I was shattered for a WHILE and after years and years I never moved on. It made me sad to hear her name, or see her posts, or read her old texts. But today I realized that I have a friend here who is becoming extremely close who does every single thing I mentioned above just as my old best friend, and I have faith that it will turn out better. It literally trips me out to have two friends so similar, and actually scares me a little. I am nervous it will end up badly again, but I'm so grateful. I know God put someone out of my life because they were dragging me down for a reason. I never really understood. At one time I told my old friend I wouldn't move away from Orange County if she wasn't okay with it. Then we drifted apart, and I ended up moving away. I'm so happy I did. I was able to move on and come to terms that there are other people just as great, if not better than those you had before. And even though your life may seem broken without your other half at the time, you have enough life and hope to give other people a chance.

It makes my day when people tell me, genuinely, how much I mean to them. Today the same new, amazing friend asked me literally out of nowhere: "Can I tell you something?" Preparing for the worst I said okay... sarcastically. She replied, "You are at the very top of my list for friends in San Fran, there has never been a time where I've been annoyed by you, and I love you." I said same to you, and that I really appreciated it. She repeated the whole thing actually listing a rank of people in order of her many, manyyy friends here. I was number one. And it made my day. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who had a bunch of many friends instead of a few best friends. I don't know why, but I've never been one of those people. I feel like it would hurt less when I lose someone if they were just one of many, but I guess when I'm in a friendship I put so much energy into it that it takes priority of forming other bonds. When I think about it now, all of my close friends I have known for YEARS. And I'm so lucky for that. I just really don't want to have to say goodbye. I even told my friend tonight, "I don't ever want to leave here" in regards to her and SF, and she said "Larisa, no matter what, we'll always be close." I don't think she knows how many people have said that to me and let me down. But I don't think she knows how much I want to believe her.

It's funny how someone you just met can mean more to you than any friend you've ever had.

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