Monday, April 25, 2011

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Second Chances.

Everyone makes mistakes, but does everyone deserve a second chance? I'm all for giving second chances as long as a person doesn't take advantage of forgiveness. But being in the position of asking for a second chance absolutely sucks. It is the worst when the person forgives you, yet they tell you nothing will ever be the same again. I'd almost rather not be forgiven. To know I can't change anything about the future, no matter what, kills me. When someone tells you "it is what it is," and that things are "just different" now takes away the little hope I once had. I don't see the point anymore. What is the point of saying sorry, seeking forgiveness, and learning from mistakes when the other person doesn't give you the one chance you need.

I just don't know what to do, or how to make it better. I can't live in regret or guilt anymore for something that turned into a way bigger issue than it should have. I give up trying to win everyone back because clearly nobody knows the real me anymore. I'm tired of having to prove to people that I'm the same. If you knew me, you know me. And those who stick with me, stuck by me which I appreciate more than they currently realize. Believe me, I've given my fair share of "second" chances out to people who didn't deserve them, or didn't care to better from them, and have gotten it thrown back in my face. But I've never regretted giving someone another chance. I've only regretted NOT giving someone a second chance. That is something you'll have to live with. What if they died in a car crash and you suddenly have to live with how you shut them out, deleted them from your lives, and didn't at least hear them out. If someone means so much to you, why would you let them go that easily? At one point, they were the person you needed.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

I Wish Nothing but the Best.

It's weird to not know anything about someone you knew everything about. Lately I've been finding out "through the grape-vine," things that the person can't tell me myself. It is really hard not being there for the people you always were. To make sure their new friends and boyfriends are good to them, to make sure school is going okay. I know it isn't my responsibility, but I miss pretending it was. I stay up late anxiously worrying about how people's lives are now. I wish I didn't, because I know they aren't doing the same. I just wish things could go back to how they were. Back to the days where I could be excited to hear the good things going on in a person's life instead of feeling sad that they couldn't tell me themselves. Just as Adele sings, "Nevermind I'll find someone like you, I wish nothing but the best for you, too." That whole song basically fits how I feel right now. I wish you the best, even if I can't tell you myself.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

I Can't Decide.

I can't decide whether or not to come back "home" for the summer. I was always planning on coming back, but then I started thinking today, why would I want to do that? Yes, it will save me thousands of dollars, sure I'll get to catch up with people...but right now that doesn't seem worth it. It's easier to be here. To be away from the chaos and constant disappointment that place seems to always bring. Friends who I thought were the best suddenly have their own lives. I can't complain because I guess I do too. But only a few actually take the time to hang out with me when I do come home. I notice those people. I don't have to constantly ask them to make time for me, they willingly set aside time. But like I said, that is only a couple people. And those couple people know why I don't want to come back, and I think they would support staying in SF because of it. Sometimes it's just easier running away from the bad, even if you're isolated away from everything familiar. But then again, should I just face what I one day will have to? Things would be different if this summer was like last summer. When everyone liked everyone else and every summer day was carefree. We'd drive to the beach just for gelato, and drive through the canyon at 3 am just to feel rebellious. Knowing that this summer can't be like that discourages me. But maybe living in uncertainty will be best. That's when you grow the most.

At this point I should just write "OC" and "SF" on two crumbled papers, throw it in a bag, and draw one out. And that would be it. I'm such a bad decision maker.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

What is the World Coming to?

Is it sad that I honestly believe I could be a better parent than mine? I constantly have to tell them what to do (not that they listen) when it comes to what they should've done with me and what they should do with my brother. I think it's disappointing that my little brother is in this much trouble at his age. And it's gotten so bad that I can't make it better. I blame a lot on my parents, but they raised me the same way and I am nowhere close to as stupid as him. In a way, this makes me so scared to ever have kids of my own. I just don't get what this world is coming to, especially with the younger generations. All of my friends are similar in how they live their lives with me, but all our our younger siblings have completely gone off course and it just scares me for our future. Someone should tell them there is more to life than weed and fighting.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Oh Take Me Back to the Start...

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I hate that things are like this. I hate that I have to sneak around to talk to certain people I used to talk to every day. I hate that people here see me as the complete opposite person of who I really am. I hate avoiding the places we used to go to all the time just in case I'd awkwardly run into you. I just want to go back to how it was. When we'd all hang out together without fighting. Without trying to drag someone down just for the fun of it. I still just don't understand how we got to this point. I would give anything to have those days back. I wish you'd accept my millions of apologies because I don't know what else to do. I'm literally dreading moving back to Orange County this summer. Because of you. I can't take this constant rush of anxiety that never leaves my body being here. I just feel out of place because of a misunderstanding you never took the time to understand. I drove by your house tonight. Your light was on and I wanted to shout up to it like the old days. But I can't. I don't know how to start over without you.