Monday, February 28, 2011

:(

I'm at my breaking point. I just don't see anything getting better at all. And I'm done pretending.

Numb.

Last night at midnight I drove around alone. I drove past your house, where we went to school, where we got starbucks every day, where we got lost, where we laughed, where we took pictures, where we made memories. As moments spun around my head as I was slowly driving aimlessly around, I was numb. I couldn't cry. I just wished I could go back to those days so bad. I wanted to text you, I wanted to walk through your front door without knocking like I used to. This place won't ever be the same. The more I try and forget, the more I remember. I just want it to go back. I want to go back to those places not alone, but with you.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Admit your Appreciation.

I'm one of those people who is easily annoyed, but easily excited. Something that would not irritate you would probably irritate me, and it's something I'm working on. But at the same time, small things make me so so happy. I can be in the worst mood and a little thing can turn that around for the rest of the day.

It makes me really happy when someone makes an effort to just make me laugh. If I post a status saying I'm in a bad mood and you ask "what's wrong?" It doesn't help much. But those people who will read it, not even reply to it, but then send me stuff to make me laugh without even caring what is wrong seriously makes my day. I love when people feel like it is their duty to change someone's mood. Probably because I am the same way. Or those people who force you to get out and forget about everything. Or even turn the issue you're dealing with into a joke. Or leave you a wall post saying "I miss you," or a text saying they are thinking about you. I love those little gestures. And I appreciate those people so much, I don't think they have any idea. I can't help but hope that I am that for them as well. I take that role as serious as anything in my life, I'm not sure why I care so much, but I do.

A couple months ago a prior best friend (although she still considers me one of hers) who I've lost touch with on and off for awhile texted me one day saying and I quote, "So I'm having like the worst couple of days ever and I could use a smile and you're the only person who can make me smile when I'm having a shitty day." Little things like that make me so happy. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right if someone would actually go to ME to feel better even though we don't even talk anymore. I got her to laugh after one text and we stopped talking shortly after a few more jokes. That night she sent me a goodnight text saying thanking me for cheering her up and that she loved me. I guess you never know the impact you have on people because most won't tell you. That's why when people pass away, they always regret not thanking them more, or not saying I love you one last time. Or simply thank you for being a friend. Thank you for being there. Thank you for making me smile. Simple little sentences like that go a LONG way, even if it's over a message. When I pass away I always want to be remembered as the things I love in other people. I want people to remember me as a positive person, despite my obvious negative outlooks, haha. A nice person despite my over excessive sarcasm. I feel like people wait until it's too late to say what they mean. It's just like the song, "If I die young," by The Band Perry, stating "It's funny when you're dead people start listening."I know I've regretted not telling past friends just how much they meant to me. Who knows if that could've changed something? I know that I try extra hard to stay in contact with the people who say they need me as a friend even if it's obviously a one-sided relationship. I'm willing to be in a friendship that hurts me more by them not being there back if I know I'm helping them. I'm working on that too, because I've realized it isn't fair to be there for the ones who aren't there for you back.

I guess my point is just say what you mean, mean what you say. Don't forget to say 'I love you,' don't forget to thank someone for making your day, don't be scared to admit your appreciation. I think that is a huge reason why the world is so corrupt. People just aren't nice because they don't feel good about being nice. If you don't feel appreciated for your good deeds, why do them, right? I know that sounds cruel, but it is true for most of the people I come across. People often times only do things for themselves. They help others to help themselves, it's horrible. But I believe change starts with one person. And if you show your appreciation, they will show theirs, and it will pass on. It's a great concept, let's try it :)

I love you for being crazy enough to read this whole thing :)<3 See? It's not so hard.

Friday, February 18, 2011

The Sun to my Little Ray.

My eyes clench crying in frustration and regret
Images of what we were before the last sunset
I’m so tired of this sickening feeling
It’s like the same scenes in a movie reeling and reeling
I still see you in pictures with your brave little smile 
While I’m here wishing this whole thing was just a trial
I wish I had the strength to pretend
But all I really want to do is mend
What was once often a walk through the park
I now need a flashlight to see through the dark
I can still hear your laugh like it was yesterday
And how you used to do it every time I would stray
I wish you knew I was falling apart
And how badly I just wish we could take it back from the start
Maybe it’s because we had too much good for too long
After all that time something was bound to go wrong
But I don’t want you to see me as someone who didn’t try
I’ll always be that person who can cheer you up when you cry
I don’t want to be the reason your joy ever gets lost
But I’m willing to do anything for you, no matter the cost
Can we go back to the days of selling lemonade?
When we used to play with dolls and get Pok√©mon cards to trade?
The days you used to live at my house more than your own
You were able to tell what was wrong just based off my tone
Now it seems like you could care less
While I’m sitting here dealing with all of this stress
Without you in my life I just don’t feel the same
And these thoughts racing through my mind every night is making me insane
I’m wishing on every star I see
That someday, somehow you’d come back to me
You know me so much better than I even know myself
I can’t even look at my yearbook you signed on my shelf
Every song reminds me of you singing along
But then it starts to kill me seeing you be so strong
Every time it rained you were like my sun
No matter how sad I was, you always made sure I had fun
My driving never scared you even for a bit
And when I changed your music you’d throw a fit
All the pet peeves I used to make fun of you for
They’re waiting in my head to be tallied and scored
I’m so scared for all the things I do not know
I wish you could send me a crystal ball wrapped up in a bow
I know you’re waiting for me to stop trying like all the rest
But I’m not like the other ones; I’m determined to still be the best
I want you to remember what we had, not what I did
Then let me know if you still want to get rid
I hate that I lost all the years of trust
And now you’re leaving me out in the rain like a penny to rust
At times like these it’s hard to believe everything happens for a reason
I pretend that one day you’ll tell me you were just teasin’
I wish real life were like the movies where I could throw pebbles at your door
I’d be outside with a poster asking for one more chance, just one more
This whole situation just keeps running through my mind
It’s things I wish I would have said written in a book coming out of the bind
Without you I’m like a puzzle missing one piece
Like Beauty without the Beast
Just promise me you won’t say we’re through
Because I honestly don’t know what I would do
But I don’t want to hear promises you can’t keep
When you’re ready, I’m here waiting for my cell to beep
I’m leaving you alone to reach your own conclusion
No manipulation, confusion, or intrusion
I just want you to know you’ll be in my heart no matter what you decide
But I could not live with knowing I never tried
I don’t want your memories to ever fade
I know you were meant to be in the life in which God has made
So for now your pictures lay on my bedroom floor
Until the day you shove me into a frame to take one more
I told myself I wouldn’t try and convince you to stay
I would allow you the time you needed, to take it day by day
All I can really do is think and pray
That someday you’ll regret not wanting to stay
There are so many times I reach for my phone to text you
For now I’ll save them as drafts and someday they’ll be construed
Please take the rain out of my cloud
I want nothing more than to make you proud
I want to thank you for being the best
And for being there when there was no rest
I never took you for granted, not even for a day
Because you were always the sun to my little ray

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

As much as I love living here, there is so much I feel I'll never be able to get used to. I'm not sure if I ever wish to. But it's hard being the outsider sometimes and to play along with things you don't necessarily agree with.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

You Can Change the Situation, but the Situation Won't Change You.

I think there are many times in your life where you wish you could have a new beginning. I think for many people, including myself, college is that escape. Whether you move away or not, I think most people are anxious to get out of the unnecessary drama and schemes of high school. Some people want new reputations, new friends, a place where the past won't follow them, a new appearance, a new expertise, new traits. We all set rules for ourselves when we jump into a new beginning. We promise ourselves we'll be more guarded, less trusting, more open, more private, less involved, a free spirit, modest, wild. We all have opposite goals of what we want to be, and what we hope to become and be perceived as. We claim we are finding ourselves, but do we ever find ourselves? We say "now I know who my real friends are," which I am definitely guilty of. Every time you lose someone you believe the friends you have are the ones there to stay. And then boom, it starts over again. Your experiences make you change your ways of life, or at least make you want to. I think it's a hard struggle. I've been told I'm too trusting, too guarded, too conservative, too crazy, too shy, too open... I don't know what to believe and I don't know how to act anymore. People are always going to judge you one way or another. It's hard to find a balance where you remain respected, but also fun to be around. People look at who you're with and stereotype you without knowing the entire situation.

When I decided to move away from the people who knew me, I told myself many things in order to be perceived differently. I took what past friends have complained about, or boasted me about, and tried to set a new way of life. But it's impossible. I told myself I wouldn't become too close to anyone here, that I wouldn't let anyone in like I did before because it's too hard when one person moves back, or allows one thing to ruin something good. I told myself I would stick to my morals, but remain someone fun to be around. Which is definitely harder than I thought it would be. It's weird being around such different, carefree personalities here. I told myself simple things too. I told myself I wouldn't judge anyone for being different than what I was used to (sounds dumb, but sometimes, especially in such a liberal place, it's hard), I wouldn't rule anyone out no matter how different their views were, I told myself I wouldn't get mad at people for making stupid decisions, I told myself I wouldn't need to be last person to text in a conversation (which is one of my anxiety-ridden OCD things), I wouldn't always make sure someone is okay, or force them to talk to me. I didn't want to be characterized as a protective person anymore. That was a really, really difficult reputation to live up to. I lost friends over it, I lost sleep over it, I allowed it to overshadow my own needs. These were all things I told myself to not stick to, and I haven't stuck to any of them aside from becoming a lot more open-minded and less modest though which allows me to finally have a well-rounded experience here.

It's so hard to change who you are, and how you were made. Certain people remind me of those from back home, and I find myself treating them just like I did before without even thinking. It's so difficult to not allow yourself to care about someone else, to not care if they're putting themselves in a bad situation, to not stick to what you've always known.

This past weekend I realized I really can't change my personality, no matter how much I try and trick myself into it. When we were celebrating a few different events over the weekend, I realized people really don't care as much about other people as I do. I found myself the only one concerned about how much people were drinking, even though their best friends could have cared less. At one point I told a friend to slow down on everything, and her best friend came up to me tried convincing me it was fine that she was losing control. All I know is I would never think it would be fine to let my best friend get that out of hand. But hey, that's just me. When we were celebrating Superbowl, one of my good friends here looked right at me and promised she wouldn't smoke a cigg with our friend who does smoke. I made her promise a few times before I let her go outside. Our table was right to the window and I saw her smoking. We needed to catch the bus and when we went outside she tried to hide it, I just looked at her and just felt really disappointed. She told me she had only done it a couple times, hates the smell, hates the feeling, but only does it when she's drunk. I got a flashback of some of my best friends back home doing the same thing. The same look, like they knew they got caught doing something they didn't even stand for. Why would you be a hypocrite, and do something you've always hated? A lot of my friends started off that way to the point where they became addicted. I have no clue why I even care, I try so hard not to, but I can't stand watching people make stupid decisions they regret the next day. Half the time they say the next day, "why did you guys let me do that?" Well, I'm one of those people who will do anything in my power not to let you do that. People may hate me, people may thank me, but I can't change my persona.

I've had a few really good friends thank me much later for caring too much. At the time they yelled at me and I had regretted it, but I've had enough people appreciate me for being the only friend who knows the 'real them,' and being the only one who genuinely cared for their well being. Sometimes you lose who you are in a situation, and only someone who knows you really well can remind you of what you're risking. They get angry because they know it isn't the 'real them,' and they just didn't want to admit it to themselves. I've had best friends tell other people stories starting off with "don't tell Larisa." Those times were tough. I felt like they didn't trust me, when really they didn't want to feel ashamed by someone who knew their morals (as some friends have later admitted to me after confronting them). I've been on the opposing side too, and later on I've always been grateful to the people who reminded me to stay true to myself. I've had friends give up on me for saying I've changed into someone else, it's the worst feeling in the world. It's the hardest when you realize they were right, and they don't give you that last chance you needed. I promised myself I wouldn't stop giving chances to people, but honestly a lot of people just don't deserve them anymore. But at times when I didn't deserve one, I could have used one. You realize eventually you need accountability friends. Friends who aren't afraid to tell you you're messing up. Friends who are willing to risk you being mad at them to prove a point. Friends who stick with you after you make stupid decisions no matter how hard it was to watch them digress.

I'm realizing that no matter what situation you are put in, your mind works a unique, specific way. God gives you that mindset for a purpose. Whether you are frustrated that you care too much, over-analyze everything, are too protective, too different, it's all for a reason. I need to learn to thank God for the way he made me instead of looking at the negatives and risks. He doesn't give you anything you can't handle, so you should handle it in your own way. People's perceptions should not change your actions, or your essence. Just like my blog quote, "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything."

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Don't Hate, Appreciate.

Everyone has good and bad days; but as long as the good ones outweigh the bad, then it's all worth it. And as long as you have friends to get you through the worst, you wouldn't have known what made them the best. <3

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

It's Been 3 Months, but it Feels Like 3 Years...

It's been exactly three months from one of the worst nights of my life. It feels like so much longer. I thought it would have gotten easier by now, but it hasn't. 

My collage of pictures is still sitting on my floor next to my new empty poster frame because I can't bring myself to hang it up. Remember when I redid all the pictures in my frame before I left for school? I made you come over that night to see it as soon as I was finished. You brought me a peace tea for absolutely no reason and it made my night. I remember saying "look! you're in pretty much all of the pictures this time! I'm tired of having to redo it every time I'm not friends with someone and you're the only one I've been friends with forever and I know I won't have to replace them, so please always be friends with me so I won't have to do all this work again?" I remember you rolling your eyes at my sarcasm, laughing and saying "duhh." And now they're sitting on my floor ungluing from the paper. I don't even know what to do with it. All I know is that I'm not replacing them. It's little things like that, that are the hardest.

I miss watching all of our favorite shows and texting the entire time our reactions to them. They're just not amusing anymore to me. I hate seeing our mutual friends post pictures of you. I can't help but to think I should be in them. I hate that it was so easy for you to erase me from your life, but I'm probably just jealous I can't do the same. It was hard for me to delete our pictures, it looks like we were never even friends now, it just doesn't look right to me. And even though I deleted all your music on my iPhone, every song reminds me of you.

I guess I'm losing hope because I remember how you've talked about people who have screwed you over before (not that I did that, but still). You always said it's easier to forget about them, not talk to them anymore. That it's less drama that way, and it takes too much energy to try and fix it. I hate that I'm that person now. And I hope you're not using those tactics with me.

It's funny because now we've talked since then. I don't know if it's harder not talking to you at all, or vaguely talking to you every so often. But every time we do, it seems like I'm talking to an acquaintance, not someone who was my best friend. Our conversations are impersonal and conservative. It's like we don't know how to be ourselves with each other anymore when we used to be so real, raw, and free before. I get really happy when I see you text me every so often, but I miss when my phone used to light up with your name every three minutes 24/7. You were the only one who wouldn't think I was crazy for texting random non-important things all day long. We never ran out of things to talk about. "And I'm dyin' to know, Is it killing you Like it's killing me? I don't know what to say since a twist of fate, when it all broke down, And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now...Oh I'm scared to see the ending why are we pretending this is nothing, I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how, I've never heard silence quite this loud."

Nobody understands why I still want to be friends with you. Even when I try and convince them I was the one who was wrong. They all tell me I'm dumb for still talking to you, still trying to fix things. But I don't think they know how it is to have a friend like you. I guess it's like when you get mad at someone for wanting to still date their ex after he cheated on them. You always want to say they're an idiot for forgiving someone no matter how much they were in love. I used to be one of those people, until I got a new, unwanted perspective. I try and trick my mind into thinking I'm better off with the help of other people always trying to back that idea up, but it never works. I can't lie to myself. I can't say what others say about you, because they don't know the real you like I did. I've learned you can't judge someone else's relationship unless you're in it. Outside views are inaccurate. Sometimes I think they were just jealous of our friendship though. It's sad when other people want something great to fail because they are envious. 

I don't know how many more times I have to say I'm sorry before it means something to you.  But it's been three months and it feels like three years. I don't want to know how another three months feels. Remember how we planned for you to get famous and rich, then we'd move to New York and live together while I worked at Vogue? I still want that to happen. 

I know we can't just jump into how we were, I just hope we can slowly start over. 


"If we crawl
Till we can walk again 

Then we'll run 
Until we're strong enough to jump
Then we'll fly
Until there is no end
So lets crawl, crawl, crawl
Back to love."