Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I Wonder...

Why is it so hard for people to be happy for others? I can tell who a true friend is based on how they react when something goes well for you. Most will not want to talk about whatever you are happy about and it's just sad. I think that trait is very desirable in a person. It's exactly why I don't tell most people positive things in my life. Instead of saying "You're so lucky," which has a jealous connotation, you should genuinely show the same excitement they are showing and it will make the world of difference.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

"sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

It's weird how we can lose something or someone we never thought we ever would. And then when you do, you never think you'll ever be able to replace them. At the time you go through lists of everything they do that nobody ever could do better. You think you can never have as much fun, or be completely yourself around without even trying. You can call them "slut" and "whore" more than their actual names and they don't care. You spend all your free time together, and as soon as you get home from being with them you text them up until you see them again. They make sure you get home okay, you have fun just going to the gym together, you can look at each other and know exactly what they are thinking, they make you laugh without even bothering to ask about why you are sad, they take your sarcasm willingly, they can see through your bitchy facade and point out your genuineness, they keep you accountable, they send you "goodnight texts," and song lyrics. They choose you to talk to when they're in a bad mood, and apologize for doing it so often when really you love it. They don't complain about your horrible driving or about how you get lost to their house even though you go there every day, they say you look pretty, they tell you they love you over and over again until you have to yell "i believe you" at them, they make you pinky promises, they make a wish when you run a yellow light, they make promises you both know they won't keep just to make you feel better at the time, and they don't care that you are super super wayyy too over protective over them.

When I lost my best friend who did all of the above, I never thought I'd replace them. I was shattered for a WHILE and after years and years I never moved on. It made me sad to hear her name, or see her posts, or read her old texts. But today I realized that I have a friend here who is becoming extremely close who does every single thing I mentioned above just as my old best friend, and I have faith that it will turn out better. It literally trips me out to have two friends so similar, and actually scares me a little. I am nervous it will end up badly again, but I'm so grateful. I know God put someone out of my life because they were dragging me down for a reason. I never really understood. At one time I told my old friend I wouldn't move away from Orange County if she wasn't okay with it. Then we drifted apart, and I ended up moving away. I'm so happy I did. I was able to move on and come to terms that there are other people just as great, if not better than those you had before. And even though your life may seem broken without your other half at the time, you have enough life and hope to give other people a chance.

It makes my day when people tell me, genuinely, how much I mean to them. Today the same new, amazing friend asked me literally out of nowhere: "Can I tell you something?" Preparing for the worst I said okay... sarcastically. She replied, "You are at the very top of my list for friends in San Fran, there has never been a time where I've been annoyed by you, and I love you." I said same to you, and that I really appreciated it. She repeated the whole thing actually listing a rank of people in order of her many, manyyy friends here. I was number one. And it made my day. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who had a bunch of many friends instead of a few best friends. I don't know why, but I've never been one of those people. I feel like it would hurt less when I lose someone if they were just one of many, but I guess when I'm in a friendship I put so much energy into it that it takes priority of forming other bonds. When I think about it now, all of my close friends I have known for YEARS. And I'm so lucky for that. I just really don't want to have to say goodbye. I even told my friend tonight, "I don't ever want to leave here" in regards to her and SF, and she said "Larisa, no matter what, we'll always be close." I don't think she knows how many people have said that to me and let me down. But I don't think she knows how much I want to believe her.

It's funny how someone you just met can mean more to you than any friend you've ever had.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

A little prayer goes a long way.

Exactly a week ago, my most prized possession (my iPhone) was stolen. As if I wasn't distressed enough, my dad sent me an e-mail both hard and needed to hear. Recently I've just had very bad luck. Random, bad things keep happening. At times I laugh because it's just so ridiculous sometimes. In the past month I have broken my brand new camera (my other prized possession), lost $450 in college bonds through the mail somehow, got my phone stolen, had the same paper completely crash in the middle of within a two day span, got a ticket on the Muni...I'm sure I could go on, but you probably get the point. Don't worry I'm not writing this to make you feel sorry for me, my point is coming.

So in the middle of my breakdown a week ago, my dad made note of all the bad coincidental events happening to me. He listed them all out (and he only knew a couple of the things I listed, too), and told me it was God reminding me not to forget about him. When I first read it I replied to his lengthy paragraph with a simple "shut up." It made me cry and be even more defensive because I knew it was true. He said God was trying to get my attention, saying that he needed me to remember him, and start going to church, pray, or just listen out for him.

There are many things I miss being away at college, but one huge thing is my church I grew up with since first grade. I was really getting into a routine going every week, and I believe going away was a test. A test I failed. God puts you through uncomfortable situations to test you, to help you grow, to help others grow through you, to not give up, to listen for his whispers, to test your character, to show your morals. Sometimes it takes someone else to remind you of this. I'll admit, I've had God tell me these things myself over the past couple months but I pushed it away, I don't really know why. I guess I feel ashamed for letting him down, for not getting involved in church things down here. I guess I started losing faith in his capabilities after things started going downhill a few months ago. When certain things happened, I did not understand why, and probably blamed him instead of myself for a lot of it.

But through realizing I need to pay more attention, and keeping myself accountable, I believe I can restore my drift. Recently I've been praying for the situation a few months ago to get better, even though I saw no sight of that EVER happening, I think it has. I thank God every day for allowing me to turn to him after ignoring him out of bitterness. He truly does answer prayer and puts a sense of contentment in your soul. Areas where you needed peace, he gives serenity. Sure things take time to heal, and some situations just can't be fixed, but turning to God gives me a sense of acceptance at least. It reminds me that everything does happen for a reason. Sometimes you just need to be reminded. And even if you have been, you might need a third party to remind you of what you might be too afraid to face. I watched a live service of my church back home over the weekend, and let's just say I am going to make a big effort in doing that every week. It was all about being aware of God trying to speak to you, and being open to it. Exactly what I needed to hear.

Today I went running through Golden Gate Park and (not surprisingly) got lost. On a random road, I saw a sign reading something about a cross. My friend and I hiked up a steep trail and came across a GIANT cross. HUGE. Unfortunately with my iPhone being gone, only she took a picture and I still need to get it from her. But I couldn't even climb up it, it was that big. Isn't that amazing? A giant cross in the middle of nowhere. God, God is amazing. It made me so happy, and it was just the reminder I needed.

I was going to apologize to those of you who aren't religious, but then I realized this is my blog, my opinion, and I don't apologize for my beliefs. So I thank you for reading hopefully with an open mind.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011


Every memory of looking out the back door
I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

I miss that town
I miss their faces
You can't erase
You can't replace it

I miss it now
I can't believe it
So hard to stay
Too hard to leave it

If I could I relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change