Monday, October 18, 2010

So this is me swallowing my pride.

"I'd go back in time and change it but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand.

But this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night,
And I go back to December.
Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December turn around and make it alright.
I'd go back to December turn around and change my own mind.
I go back to December all the time.

All the time"

-Taylor Swift

Friday, October 15, 2010

We're all lit up by the same sun.

How adorable is this? Yeah, I stalk for good pictures.
Sorry it is SO blurry, but it would have been awkward if I were any closer. But yeah, he's meditating...
This doesn't even capture how awesome this looked in real life. I just liked the silhouette of the board :)
I LOVE this picture. I was trying to get one of the sun, and they entered the frame. It adds more character, I think :)
So, the other day I was supposed to go to a spin class. But of course at the last minute, my friend cancelled. I realized that it was super nice outside, so why would I go to an indoor crowded gym I'd have to use a NAV to get to it, and then wait an hour to get a parking spot? And then I realized I can see the beach from my street. And for San Francisco, seeing the sun is rare. So, I decided to run to a beach called "Ocean Beach". Ironic name, I know. For some reason, even though the sun has been out most of the time since I've moved here (which is rare, like I mentioned), I haven't even gone to the beach yet even though I live less than 5 miles away!

Side note: I also think it's great how I live in the city, but I can run to the beach from my house. I mean, even living in Orange County, I lived at LEAST 25 minutes away by driving.

I started running and my house key fell out of my pocket. So for 20 minutes I circled the same area looking like a stalker/drug dealer freaking out until I found it. By that time, it was getting late when I finally reached the beach almost passing out since I hadn't ran in awhile. It was beautiful. At that moment, I knew God had cancelled my plans for a reason, and lost my key so that I could be at the beach during sunset. I ran all the way to the end of the beach where there was nowhere left to run. The light hit every single piece of the beach perfectly. There were couples holding hands, kites flying, and perfect curves of water edging the sand. Even though it was pretty cold out, a couple of people were in the water. Like the skim-boarder I stalked to get a good picture (see above). I literally took like 20 pictures of him as he skimmed the edges of the waves because the sun was going down right on him, and the lighting was literally amazing.

I just love sunsets. People are always happy, and thinking, and appreciative. At one point, my ipod just shut off randomly. Annoyed, I looked down to put my music back on, but then I could hear the waves. And I knew God wanted me to hear what he created. He wanted to take all of my distractions away, and sink everything in. He was telling me that no matter how tough things are, and how much the world seems to suck around you, he is there with you and there is so much beauty in what he has created. I think that was the first time I've ever gone to the beach alone, and it's something I want to do all the time now. Everyone was doing something different. Whether it was running, kissing, meditating (like the guy above), walking, running..etc. Where as Orange County, everyone appears to be unhappy. It's weird, I don't know how to explain it, it was just a different vibe. And as the sun was going down, everyone stopped what they were doing and just stared. Everyone started taking millions of pictures and we were all in that moment together. Appreciating what we were seeing. And once the sun went down, everyone just smiled at one another because we all understood. We all knew that there was one sun everyone in the world sees, but we were lucky enough to have this view. I'll never forget that moment. And I realize this story sounds ridiculous, but I swear, if you were there you'd get it. It's hard to explain, but I know God wanted me in that place at that exact time. So much wrong has been happening lately that I just needed a reminder, and a whisper from the waves that everything would be okay, and that the world can be seen from so many perspectives. And even though we are all viewing the same sun, we are all being lit by it differently. All I know is I want to be lit with that feeling every day.

Friday, October 8, 2010

There are 3 sides to every story.

"What we do know is that letting go usually takes time, and that it is rarely a simple journey. It's not easy to find a place where you can set free the pain, or shame, you carry from your experiences. A place where you can tell the story differently in your head- where you can relenquish the role of victim or villain, and give yourself the other person roles that are more complex and liberating. A place where you can accept yourself for who you've been and who you are." -Difficult Conversations, page 141.

There are 3 sides to every story. I know what you're thinking. Isn't there only two sides to a story? Well, let's open our minds a bit and we can come to terms with the fact that our side is not always the only, or correct side. It took me awhile to fully grasp this concept. Until I tested it out for myself. And by the way, I learned this all from a class I'm taking called "conflict resolution" where I have actually applied something academic to my life for once, yay!

Side one: So there is your side, obviously. The one you like to pay most attention to. The side you like to defend, and understand perfectly and often assume others understand it just as clearly. It's the side of your perception, which is your truth, even if nobody else sees it that way. It might not be right, it might not be wrong. It's just a view, it's your view.

Side two: Their side of the story. By "their", I mean the other people involved. Anyone else who was in the situation, or is observing the situation and could possibly have an opinion about it. It is how they see things. Recognizing there is a side two is a crucial step in solving any problem. I used to be one of those people who just assumed my side was the only relevant and correct stance. But who is to say anyone's opinion is less valued? Obviously someone saw the same exact situation, but perceived it in a different way. Based on how they saw it, they made choices or actions to coincide with what they felt was right. It's very hard to understand this side. You have to take a chance with the fact that you might not be right. That you would have done the same exact thing if you saw it from another light. It might ruin your ego a little bit, but it will help you grow overall.

Side three: what ACTUALLY happened. Everyone perceives differently, as I've mentioned. But there is only one concrete occurence. But what you tend to realize is that is doesn't matter what actually happened. It matters how all the different people involved reacted and perceived the issue. It matters how it affected you and affected them. It matters if some information was left unnoticed, or if someone happened to lie along the way. Life is like the game of telephone we used to play in second grade. We go through a moment passing along how we heard or perceived something and as it gets passed from person to person, the story changes. It no longer matters what the first person said. It matters what got lost in translation, and how each person was affected by flawed stories. It is nobody's fault. It's hard to not blame another person when something goes wrong. But the more you think about it, the more you realize they must have had a reason to choose what they did. To them, it made sense. And maybe if you were in their shoes, you would have made the same choice. I know it sounds ridiculous and unpractical. That is what I thought at first too. But I've tested it out a few times in the real world, and it has actually worked in my favor. You begin to understand a person's intentions and star to have faith that the world isn't all out to get you. And they start to respect you once you show you care enough to understand their point of view when usually it is unnoticed. Maybe the world has a fresh view on what would be a better decision.

It's hard when you think you know a person so much that you wouldn't need to ask all of these facts. The sad thing is, you really don't. You end up being hurt by the people who were supposed to help. It's hard because trust takes a lifetime to gain, but seconds to lose. And once that second is gone, it usually is gone forever. Even if you say you forgive someone, you never forget. And neither do they.

I've come to realize that no matter how certain you are that you have all the facts, you don't. No matter how much you think you understand why someone made a decision that hurt you in the end, you don't. Ask them. Be ready to understand. Be ready to come to terms with the accusation of YOU actually being in the wrong. Ask them why they made a choice, ask them what information they had, and try your hardest not to judge. Sometimes a person makes a decision based on a lie they heard. And you would never know that to be true if you had never gotten all of the facts. Sure, it might not work out in your favor, but it really couldn't get any worse. A problem surfaces due to multiple people contributing to it. Not just you, and not just them. No matter what the problem is, even if you are obviously right, you somehow contributed to it, and there is a reason it happened.

Monday, October 4, 2010

regret mistakes.

I've never been one of those people who don't regret things. I know that sounds bad, but it just has never made sense to me. I do regret things. Yes, I learn from mistakes...but if I had never made a bad decision in the first place, there wouldn't be a need for a mistake/regret. Sometimes I just don't see the positive, and I don't see how it can ever turn into a positive.

For the most part, I've made good decisions my whole life. Nothing has really shattered me from a stupid choice. And maybe it's just coming all at once because of that. But I've never regretted something so much after this weekend. I lost my morals, and I lost respect and trust from people who always saw me as "good". I definitely learned my lesson. But I don't see the cost as worth it. I lost a few of my closest friends from a stupid decision. I don't see how that's worth it to me.

I don't think I've ever felt to many different emotions at once. I feel completely isolated, ashamed, sorry, guilty, hurt, betrayed, depressed. You name it, I feel it. I don't know how long it will take to get over, or if I ever will. My friends are the most important thing to me, and the fact that most aren't there anymore disgusts me. I know it's not all my fault, but I'm one of those people who blames everything on themselves. I know it takes more than one person to screw something up, but I usually don't get involved in those type of situations. I keep my friends for the long haul, no matter what. Well, I used to.

I tried coming home to Orange County with a positive vibe, hoping it could be a good reunion with some friends. I was so wrong. Everything about this place makes me crazy. People just try and ruin your lives for the fun of it, I'll never understand.

But through it all, I have realized who my real friends are. I thought I knew, but I was definitely wrong. There has been a couple people who have been with me through thick and thin for years without me even having to ask them. They drop anything for me, they talk me through a problem until I'm okay again. It means the world to me, and I don't think I can tell them thank you enough. Just knowing that someone is there, or someone is willing to talk you through issues, or can make you laugh when you're crying...those people are worth everything to me. You know who you are, and I love you guys so much.

I just need to start over. With everything. I don't know how to, but I need to find out. It's the only way to make this all bearable. I need to do a self-check, then be careful with who I trust. It just hurts too much to give your all to people who end up throwing it in your face at the end.