Monday, October 4, 2010

regret mistakes.

I've never been one of those people who don't regret things. I know that sounds bad, but it just has never made sense to me. I do regret things. Yes, I learn from mistakes...but if I had never made a bad decision in the first place, there wouldn't be a need for a mistake/regret. Sometimes I just don't see the positive, and I don't see how it can ever turn into a positive.

For the most part, I've made good decisions my whole life. Nothing has really shattered me from a stupid choice. And maybe it's just coming all at once because of that. But I've never regretted something so much after this weekend. I lost my morals, and I lost respect and trust from people who always saw me as "good". I definitely learned my lesson. But I don't see the cost as worth it. I lost a few of my closest friends from a stupid decision. I don't see how that's worth it to me.

I don't think I've ever felt to many different emotions at once. I feel completely isolated, ashamed, sorry, guilty, hurt, betrayed, depressed. You name it, I feel it. I don't know how long it will take to get over, or if I ever will. My friends are the most important thing to me, and the fact that most aren't there anymore disgusts me. I know it's not all my fault, but I'm one of those people who blames everything on themselves. I know it takes more than one person to screw something up, but I usually don't get involved in those type of situations. I keep my friends for the long haul, no matter what. Well, I used to.

I tried coming home to Orange County with a positive vibe, hoping it could be a good reunion with some friends. I was so wrong. Everything about this place makes me crazy. People just try and ruin your lives for the fun of it, I'll never understand.

But through it all, I have realized who my real friends are. I thought I knew, but I was definitely wrong. There has been a couple people who have been with me through thick and thin for years without me even having to ask them. They drop anything for me, they talk me through a problem until I'm okay again. It means the world to me, and I don't think I can tell them thank you enough. Just knowing that someone is there, or someone is willing to talk you through issues, or can make you laugh when you're crying...those people are worth everything to me. You know who you are, and I love you guys so much.

I just need to start over. With everything. I don't know how to, but I need to find out. It's the only way to make this all bearable. I need to do a self-check, then be careful with who I trust. It just hurts too much to give your all to people who end up throwing it in your face at the end.

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