It's been exactly three months from one of the worst nights of my life. It feels like so much longer. I thought it would have gotten easier by now, but it hasn't.
My collage of pictures is still sitting on my floor next to my new empty poster frame because I can't bring myself to hang it up. Remember when I redid all the pictures in my frame before I left for school? I made you come over that night to see it as soon as I was finished. You brought me a peace tea for absolutely no reason and it made my night. I remember saying "look! you're in pretty much all of the pictures this time! I'm tired of having to redo it every time I'm not friends with someone and you're the only one I've been friends with forever and I know I won't have to replace them, so please always be friends with me so I won't have to do all this work again?" I remember you rolling your eyes at my sarcasm, laughing and saying "duhh." And now they're sitting on my floor ungluing from the paper. I don't even know what to do with it. All I know is that I'm not replacing them. It's little things like that, that are the hardest.
I miss watching all of our favorite shows and texting the entire time our reactions to them. They're just not amusing anymore to me. I hate seeing our mutual friends post pictures of you. I can't help but to think I should be in them. I hate that it was so easy for you to erase me from your life, but I'm probably just jealous I can't do the same. It was hard for me to delete our pictures, it looks like we were never even friends now, it just doesn't look right to me. And even though I deleted all your music on my iPhone, every song reminds me of you.
I guess I'm losing hope because I remember how you've talked about people who have screwed you over before (not that I did that, but still). You always said it's easier to forget about them, not talk to them anymore. That it's less drama that way, and it takes too much energy to try and fix it. I hate that I'm that person now. And I hope you're not using those tactics with me.
It's funny because now we've talked since then. I don't know if it's harder not talking to you at all, or vaguely talking to you every so often. But every time we do, it seems like I'm talking to an acquaintance, not someone who was my best friend. Our conversations are impersonal and conservative. It's like we don't know how to be ourselves with each other anymore when we used to be so real, raw, and free before. I get really happy when I see you text me every so often, but I miss when my phone used to light up with your name every three minutes 24/7. You were the only one who wouldn't think I was crazy for texting random non-important things all day long. We never ran out of things to talk about. "And I'm dyin' to know, Is it killing you Like it's killing me? I don't know what to say since a twist of fate, when it all broke down, And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now...Oh I'm scared to see the ending why are we pretending this is nothing, I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how, I've never heard silence quite this loud."
Nobody understands why I still want to be friends with you. Even when I try and convince them I was the one who was wrong. They all tell me I'm dumb for still talking to you, still trying to fix things. But I don't think they know how it is to have a friend like you. I guess it's like when you get mad at someone for wanting to still date their ex after he cheated on them. You always want to say they're an idiot for forgiving someone no matter how much they were in love. I used to be one of those people, until I got a new, unwanted perspective. I try and trick my mind into thinking I'm better off with the help of other people always trying to back that idea up, but it never works. I can't lie to myself. I can't say what others say about you, because they don't know the real you like I did. I've learned you can't judge someone else's relationship unless you're in it. Outside views are inaccurate. Sometimes I think they were just jealous of our friendship though. It's sad when other people want something great to fail because they are envious.
I don't know how many more times I have to say I'm sorry before it means something to you. But it's been three months and it feels like three years. I don't want to know how another three months feels. Remember how we planned for you to get famous and rich, then we'd move to New York and live together while I worked at Vogue? I still want that to happen.
I know we can't just jump into how we were, I just hope we can slowly start over.