you can't delete the past.

It sucks when someone you've known your entire life suddenly slips out of your life in an instant. It doesn't make sense to me how that could even happen. How you can grow up with a person, share every little detail with them, text them 24/7, walk through their door instead of knock, and then... poof! They're gone. You can delete me off of all virtual contact sites, but you can't delete the memories. You can erase the millions of pictures we have taken, but you'll still have flashbacks of them in your mind. You can't hide from memories, I've tried and I've failed.

I'll never understand how you can constantly say we'll be best friends forever no matter what, but then be so unforgiving a moment later. Do they just forget the good that outweighs the bad? Are they just in denial? Do they just not want to appear weak or trampled on? I hate when people say "I just don't know you anymore, or you've changed." Oops, sorry that I'm not the same person as I was when you met me over a decade ago. No matter what I'm still the same person. It doesn't matter where I live or how old I am or who I hang out with. I'll never change my morals and roots, and if you really knew me like you always said you did, you'd know that. The fact that a relationship can be cut off so easily makes me never want to have one again. Sorry can only get you so far, and it takes two people to fix a situation. I wish you didn't give up so fast because I miss you. All of the things I used to hate that you did are suddenly the things I miss the most. And so much time has passed that there is no way of restoring it. I just pray on it constantly hoping that someday you'd remember who I was and have faith that I haven't changed. Even if you don't want to admit it, I know you better than anyone. I just wish that counted for something.

homelessness.

When I first moved here, I was asking a girl I worked with (who had also recently moved from Southern California) how she liked living in San Francisco, preparing for her to say she loved it. She said she did like it, but she and her recently wedded husband of a year said they couldn't get over one thing: the homeless people. When I heard her say that I thought to myself...why would that bother you SO much? Enough for you to mention to me. I didn't get it. I mean, back home there are barely any homeless people unless you drift off to the slums of L.A. which I rarely did while living there. But today, I realized what she meant.

A proposition was passed a couple days ago. One that I honestly thought nobody would vote to pass. There were protests and news coverage all over the controversy by people who thought it was unfair. Proposition L would make it so the 7,000-10,000 homeless people in SF would be prohibited to sit/lay on the sidewalk. Well, not just homeless people, but they are the ones most affected. People say they are harassed by them on sidewalks, which in some cases are true. One street in particular you can't walk on without a guy saying something degrading and inappropriate as a way of hitting on you. But come on! This law is absolutely ridiculous. Where are these people supposed to go? They don't have a home, they don't have anything...and now we are taking the SIDEWALK away from them? Seriously...I still can't believe this was passed because everyone I know did not want it to which is saying a lot coming from people who deal with walking around them on a daily basis. I have yet to feel threatened by any. They literally just sit there and don't harm anyone and collect a few coins a day. It just makes me sad people are so selfish and don't like seeing people worse off than them obstructing their daily routes.

But anyway, today was the first day I saw how this law affected these people since I work downtown where a LOT of them were on the sidewalks since it is a very upper class street where rich people often give them money. It's funny because people passed it in hopes they would just disappear and not be bothered by them, when now they just ride muni (which we ALL take), and walk around sidewalks instead (which is more stalker-ish right?). But aside from that, these people have the saddest expressions I have ever seen on a face. Today was the first day I realized what my friend was warning me about when I first moved here. Usually, I just walk past them and try and ignore the looks of defeat because it really is depressing. But now, they just look empty. They look like they have nothing to live for and they are tired of trying and having everything taken away from them. You can just see the pain in their eyes. You can sense that they just want the day to be over, but is scared for a new one to begin. On my 40 minute bus ride, I just observed these faces. They had all of their belongings with them, some with an instrument, some with tents, and some with nothing. They all looked like they had nowhere to be. They were just on this bus because they have had everything stripped, including a freaking sidewalk. I literally can't explain the looks on their faces. One guy I was watching while we were at a light for awhile. He was walking on the sidewalk with his head down, no belongings at all, and he would just stop after every 20 steps. And do nothing. Just stop with his head down. And he'd do it again. He just looked SO sad I literally had to look away to not cry.

After today, I realized if I ever become rich, I want to help these people. I've always had the selfish attitude of "well, they are too lazy to get a job and get back on their feet, and they'll just buy drugs with the money...etc." And yes, some are/will. But honestly, if you had absolutely nothing, how would you get a job? You have no computer to type a resume let alone research who is hiring, no clean clothes, no transportation for the most part... no wonder they just look defeated. I couldn't help but wonder how they got to that place. Every person, I just tried to figure out their story. Were they tired of living by their parents rules and just moved out before they could think about it? Were they veterans? Did they lose their job due to the economy? I don't know, it just made me in a weird mood all day. You can't help but wonder what they could offer the world if they weren't in that position.

But this video is literally the most inspiring video for these people. It is one of the best music videos and lyrics I just wish I could show every person struggling because it makes you smile no matter what. Ryan Star made it especially for people who lost their jobs because of the economy. Please watch it, it will make your day.

So this is me swallowing my pride.

"I'd go back in time and change it but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand.

But this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night,
And I go back to December.
Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December turn around and make it alright.
I'd go back to December turn around and change my own mind.
I go back to December all the time.

All the time"

-Taylor Swift

We're all lit up by the same sun.

How adorable is this? Yeah, I stalk for good pictures.

God is AMAZING.

Sorry it is SO blurry, but it would have been awkward if I were any closer. But yeah, he's meditating...

This doesn't even capture how awesome this looked in real life. I just liked the silhouette of the board :)

I LOVE this picture. I was trying to get one of the sun, and they entered the frame. It adds more character, I think :)

So, the other day I was supposed to go to a spin class. But of course at the last minute, my friend cancelled. I realized that it was super nice outside, so why would I go to an indoor crowded gym I'd have to use a NAV to get to it, and then wait an hour to get a parking spot? And then I realized I can see the beach from my street. And for San Francisco, seeing the sun is rare. So, I decided to run to a beach called "Ocean Beach". Ironic name, I know. For some reason, even though the sun has been out most of the time since I've moved here (which is rare, like I mentioned), I haven't even gone to the beach yet even though I live less than 5 miles away!

Side note: I also think it's great how I live in the city, but I can run to the beach from my house. I mean, even living in Orange County, I lived at LEAST 25 minutes away by driving.

I started running and my house key fell out of my pocket. So for 20 minutes I circled the same area looking like a stalker/drug dealer freaking out until I found it. By that time, it was getting late when I finally reached the beach almost passing out since I hadn't ran in awhile. It was beautiful. At that moment, I knew God had cancelled my plans for a reason, and lost my key so that I could be at the beach during sunset. I ran all the way to the end of the beach where there was nowhere left to run. The light hit every single piece of the beach perfectly. There were couples holding hands, kites flying, and perfect curves of water edging the sand. Even though it was pretty cold out, a couple of people were in the water. Like the skim-boarder I stalked to get a good picture (see above). I literally took like 20 pictures of him as he skimmed the edges of the waves because the sun was going down right on him, and the lighting was literally amazing.

I just love sunsets. People are always happy, and thinking, and appreciative. At one point, my ipod just shut off randomly. Annoyed, I looked down to put my music back on, but then I could hear the waves. And I knew God wanted me to hear what he created. He wanted to take all of my distractions away, and sink everything in. He was telling me that no matter how tough things are, and how much the world seems to suck around you, he is there with you and there is so much beauty in what he has created. I think that was the first time I've ever gone to the beach alone, and it's something I want to do all the time now. Everyone was doing something different. Whether it was running, kissing, meditating (like the guy above), walking, running..etc. Where as Orange County, everyone appears to be unhappy. It's weird, I don't know how to explain it, it was just a different vibe. And as the sun was going down, everyone stopped what they were doing and just stared. Everyone started taking millions of pictures and we were all in that moment together. Appreciating what we were seeing. And once the sun went down, everyone just smiled at one another because we all understood. We all knew that there was one sun everyone in the world sees, but we were lucky enough to have this view. I'll never forget that moment. And I realize this story sounds ridiculous, but I swear, if you were there you'd get it. It's hard to explain, but I know God wanted me in that place at that exact time. So much wrong has been happening lately that I just needed a reminder, and a whisper from the waves that everything would be okay, and that the world can be seen from so many perspectives. And even though we are all viewing the same sun, we are all being lit by it differently. All I know is I want to be lit with that feeling every day.

There are 3 sides to every story.

"What we do know is that letting go usually takes time, and that it is rarely a simple journey. It's not easy to find a place where you can set free the pain, or shame, you carry from your experiences. A place where you can tell the story differently in your head- where you can relenquish the role of victim or villain, and give yourself the other person roles that are more complex and liberating. A place where you can accept yourself for who you've been and who you are." -Difficult Conversations, page 141.

There are 3 sides to every story. I know what you're thinking. Isn't there only two sides to a story? Well, let's open our minds a bit and we can come to terms with the fact that our side is not always the only, or correct side. It took me awhile to fully grasp this concept. Until I tested it out for myself. And by the way, I learned this all from a class I'm taking called "conflict resolution" where I have actually applied something academic to my life for once, yay!

Side one: So there is your side, obviously. The one you like to pay most attention to. The side you like to defend, and understand perfectly and often assume others understand it just as clearly. It's the side of your perception, which is your truth, even if nobody else sees it that way. It might not be right, it might not be wrong. It's just a view, it's your view.

Side two: Their side of the story. By "their", I mean the other people involved. Anyone else who was in the situation, or is observing the situation and could possibly have an opinion about it. It is how they see things. Recognizing there is a side two is a crucial step in solving any problem. I used to be one of those people who just assumed my side was the only relevant and correct stance. But who is to say anyone's opinion is less valued? Obviously someone saw the same exact situation, but perceived it in a different way. Based on how they saw it, they made choices or actions to coincide with what they felt was right. It's very hard to understand this side. You have to take a chance with the fact that you might not be right. That you would have done the same exact thing if you saw it from another light. It might ruin your ego a little bit, but it will help you grow overall.

Side three: what ACTUALLY happened. Everyone perceives differently, as I've mentioned. But there is only one concrete occurence. But what you tend to realize is that is doesn't matter what actually happened. It matters how all the different people involved reacted and perceived the issue. It matters how it affected you and affected them. It matters if some information was left unnoticed, or if someone happened to lie along the way. Life is like the game of telephone we used to play in second grade. We go through a moment passing along how we heard or perceived something and as it gets passed from person to person, the story changes. It no longer matters what the first person said. It matters what got lost in translation, and how each person was affected by flawed stories. It is nobody's fault. It's hard to not blame another person when something goes wrong. But the more you think about it, the more you realize they must have had a reason to choose what they did. To them, it made sense. And maybe if you were in their shoes, you would have made the same choice. I know it sounds ridiculous and unpractical. That is what I thought at first too. But I've tested it out a few times in the real world, and it has actually worked in my favor. You begin to understand a person's intentions and star to have faith that the world isn't all out to get you. And they start to respect you once you show you care enough to understand their point of view when usually it is unnoticed. Maybe the world has a fresh view on what would be a better decision.

It's hard when you think you know a person so much that you wouldn't need to ask all of these facts. The sad thing is, you really don't. You end up being hurt by the people who were supposed to help. It's hard because trust takes a lifetime to gain, but seconds to lose. And once that second is gone, it usually is gone forever. Even if you say you forgive someone, you never forget. And neither do they.

I've come to realize that no matter how certain you are that you have all the facts, you don't. No matter how much you think you understand why someone made a decision that hurt you in the end, you don't. Ask them. Be ready to understand. Be ready to come to terms with the accusation of YOU actually being in the wrong. Ask them why they made a choice, ask them what information they had, and try your hardest not to judge. Sometimes a person makes a decision based on a lie they heard. And you would never know that to be true if you had never gotten all of the facts. Sure, it might not work out in your favor, but it really couldn't get any worse. A problem surfaces due to multiple people contributing to it. Not just you, and not just them. No matter what the problem is, even if you are obviously right, you somehow contributed to it, and there is a reason it happened.

regret mistakes.

I've never been one of those people who don't regret things. I know that sounds bad, but it just has never made sense to me. I do regret things. Yes, I learn from mistakes...but if I had never made a bad decision in the first place, there wouldn't be a need for a mistake/regret. Sometimes I just don't see the positive, and I don't see how it can ever turn into a positive.

For the most part, I've made good decisions my whole life. Nothing has really shattered me from a stupid choice. And maybe it's just coming all at once because of that. But I've never regretted something so much after this weekend. I lost my morals, and I lost respect and trust from people who always saw me as "good". I definitely learned my lesson. But I don't see the cost as worth it. I lost a few of my closest friends from a stupid decision. I don't see how that's worth it to me.

I don't think I've ever felt to many different emotions at once. I feel completely isolated, ashamed, sorry, guilty, hurt, betrayed, depressed. You name it, I feel it. I don't know how long it will take to get over, or if I ever will. My friends are the most important thing to me, and the fact that most aren't there anymore disgusts me. I know it's not all my fault, but I'm one of those people who blames everything on themselves. I know it takes more than one person to screw something up, but I usually don't get involved in those type of situations. I keep my friends for the long haul, no matter what. Well, I used to.

I tried coming home to Orange County with a positive vibe, hoping it could be a good reunion with some friends. I was so wrong. Everything about this place makes me crazy. People just try and ruin your lives for the fun of it, I'll never understand.

But through it all, I have realized who my real friends are. I thought I knew, but I was definitely wrong. There has been a couple people who have been with me through thick and thin for years without me even having to ask them. They drop anything for me, they talk me through a problem until I'm okay again. It means the world to me, and I don't think I can tell them thank you enough. Just knowing that someone is there, or someone is willing to talk you through issues, or can make you laugh when you're crying...those people are worth everything to me. You know who you are, and I love you guys so much.

I just need to start over. With everything. I don't know how to, but I need to find out. It's the only way to make this all bearable. I need to do a self-check, then be careful with who I trust. It just hurts too much to give your all to people who end up throwing it in your face at the end.

Bitter? Sweet?

So you probably know I have less than a week left here in Orange County. And you probably think I'm stoked about that since even before I got out of high school I was begging to get out of here. But now that its come down to it, I'm not as excited as I was in the beginning. Within the next month I'll be living on my own in a different city 8 hours away from anything familiar. Without my family, pets, friends, and regular spots. I'll have bills and school to worry about. I'll be 21. I'll have to learn how to do laundry, cook, and not get shot up on the street. I'll have to continue to keep my faith strong without having my regular church to go to every week, while being around people who will be much harder to say "no" too.




But anyway, here is a list of what I will miss about Orange County:
BITTER
-The sun.
-Disneyland.
-The canyon.
-My cat & dog.
-My friends.
-My DVR.
-Running at the RSM lake.
-Sunsets.
-My regular 24 hour fitness.
-My mom making me eat 685299 times a day.
-Not having to learn how to do laundry or cook for the most part.
-Being able to park pretty much anywhere without having to worry about street sweeping, or finding a spot.
-Flat streets.
-MY friends being able to just walk in my house without knocking.
-Having a living room.
-Random drives on PCH to Laguna Beach.
-Not bumper to bumper traffic everywhere.
-The beach.
-People I know I can trust.
-Hookah seshes.
-Night drives.
-Spectrum.
-Having money.
-A dishwasher.
-A washer & dryer.

Now, here is what I'm excited about.
SWEET
-A CHANGE other than Obama.
-Public transportation.
-Independence.
-Living in a city.
-Cute random stores that aren't in a stupid mall.
-Control.
-Meeting new people.
-New random adventures.
-A real university.
-A fresh start, a new beginning where my past won't haunt me.
-Studying things that actually interest me instead of math.
-Meeting people who aren't fake.
-Living in an area a TV show isn't based on.
-Making my own decisions, with less rules.
-Freedom.
-Not waking up and going to sleep with the smell of marijuana in my room.
-The "college experience".
-Seeing life through a new light.
-To test myself, my faith, my morals, my ambition, my friendships.
-To become more well rounded, less guarded, more accepting.
-The new vibe of a different environment completely the opposite of cookie cutter Orange County.
-Living in an apartment under MY name.
-A break from my family.
-Some distance from all the hurtful memories from all these years.
-To see which friends prove that distance doesn't matter. And to see who won't give up.
-Random good food other than the same stupid chain places. Ones that are open later than 8 on Sundays.
-Having things to do late at night other than driving around aimlessly.
-Being 21 in the city :)
-Having sport teams to root for.
-The nice green landscape instead of dry dirt and artificial trees.
-Hippies, peace signs, daisies <3



To sum it up, I really will miss a lot about Orange County, the place I called home for almost my entire 20 years of my life. It's hard to just get up and leave what you've always known. What you feel is safe. But how can you grow from something safe, and controlled? Your perception is weak, and your take on the world is would become worth little to nothing. You have to experience all that you can, meet all the people you can, learn all you can from anything possible, grow for the better, and help others grow positively through you. You have one life to live, you might as well make the most of it. I will never forget all the memories and friends I have made here and I really hope those can be maintained through the distance. I believe I will be able to find out who my real friends are, and some of that has already started before I have even moved. Being the naive person I am, this will truly test those who I consider good assets to my life. I really hope and pray that when I come back (which I will be visiting a lot, I promise), I will be able to pick up where I left off, and people won't let our memories only stay in the past, but also in the future. I know a lot of this sounds cliche, just bare with me, I'm not a fan either ;]