I'm so tired of feeling empty, numb, and nostalgic. I just wish you'd sneak in my house without me knowing, hack my facebook status, force me to drive us to starbucks for the third time in one day, text me with all of your grammar errors, take all my clothes I think are ugly, go shopping with me for new ones, not yell at me for my bad driving while I drive us to Disneyland while we hydroplane, find random places to take pictures in, sing the same 3 songs you created a playlist for on my iphone in my car.
In the old days you would have made me smile by now. You would have not believed me after I told you I was okay, and would spam my Facebook wall until I laughed. You would have texted me random things until I forgot, and would go to Target with me to shop for nothing, and go on adventures through the canyon. You wouldn't have let me go after all this time. In the olden days you would have pretended you weren't mad and we could start over just like that. I wish I could move on like you are trying to do. But it still kills me inside when I see your family around, and you're still friends with all of our mutual friends. I see pictures and wish I could still be apart of those adventures. I miss how you used to make fun of me for not saying "I love you". Now you know why I don't like saying that. I say it and then look what happens...
I hate knowing that I caused you any sort of pain, even a fraction of what I am feeling. I know I have, and I know I can't take it back. Even though all of my friends don't understand why I miss you, I still do. They think I should be mad at you, forget about you, and move on. But I can't do that with someone who meant so much. It's so hard being here so close to you, but so far away at the same time. It's easier at school, when I am not being constantly reminded of memories. I'm better at the running away thing than facing it, I guess. I just want you to be okay, even if I am not. I miss not being able to make sure you're okay.
I'm hoping that time eventually heals, because right now it's just making it a lot worse :(
Hey,
ReplyDeletefirstly, thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a message. I have read some of yours - you are a beautiful writer. We have writing and skin and being a comms student in common!
This part of your blog entry felt like I was reading my own words/thoughts:
'Even though all of my friends don't understand why I miss you, I still do. They think I should be mad at you, forget about you, and move on. But I can't do that with someone who meant so much. It's so hard being here so close to you, but so far away at the same time.'
I love/d someone recently and no one understands why I miss him, why he meant so much, and why I love him. It's so difficult. I wrote a few things about him on my blog:
http://carlyfindlay.blogspot.com/2010/10/big-empty.html
http://carlyfindlay.blogspot.com/2010/11/everything-and-nothing-to-say.html
Sometimes I think I grieve for the love lost because of my ichthyosis. Because he saw past my red face. Other times, I just know he was not the one for me.
Please keep in touch - find me on Facebook if you like.
I look forward to reading more of your writing.
Carly
Hey!
ReplyDeleteThanks a lot! I actually switched my major from journalism to communications, so now I just write for fun. But I would love to start writing about some of the things you do. I'm just not as open about it as you are. I don't talk about Ichthyosis at all with ANYONE. Even though it's obvious I have something wrong.
I'll check out that blog for sure. But I don't believe anyone can even understand a situation they aren't apart of. Even the other person. A lot of times people do not want you to be happy, so they try and convince you you're better off without someone who made you complete. And for us, anyyyy person who can look past our disease is instantly a new feeling we feel a lack of, you know? If someone loves us despite our biggest flaw, we want to love them forever no matter what, even if we would maybe be better off without them. But I guess that's a desperate approach.
Normal people could not ever understand this. They don't get that someone loving us means more than anything, so I totally know where you are coming from.
I added you on Facebook, and I look forward to talking to you more. It seems like you are a LOT like me which is really exciting. I also love fashion and Australia!
Let's keep in touch!
Larisa