I'm so tired of feeling empty, numb, and nostalgic. I just wish you'd sneak in my house without me knowing, hack my facebook status, force me to drive us to starbucks for the third time in one day, text me with all of your grammar errors, take all my clothes I think are ugly, go shopping with me for new ones, not yell at me for my bad driving while I drive us to Disneyland while we hydroplane, find random places to take pictures in, sing the same 3 songs you created a playlist for on my iphone in my car.
In the old days you would have made me smile by now. You would have not believed me after I told you I was okay, and would spam my Facebook wall until I laughed. You would have texted me random things until I forgot, and would go to Target with me to shop for nothing, and go on adventures through the canyon. You wouldn't have let me go after all this time. In the olden days you would have pretended you weren't mad and we could start over just like that. I wish I could move on like you are trying to do. But it still kills me inside when I see your family around, and you're still friends with all of our mutual friends. I see pictures and wish I could still be apart of those adventures. I miss how you used to make fun of me for not saying "I love you". Now you know why I don't like saying that. I say it and then look what happens...
I hate knowing that I caused you any sort of pain, even a fraction of what I am feeling. I know I have, and I know I can't take it back. Even though all of my friends don't understand why I miss you, I still do. They think I should be mad at you, forget about you, and move on. But I can't do that with someone who meant so much. It's so hard being here so close to you, but so far away at the same time. It's easier at school, when I am not being constantly reminded of memories. I'm better at the running away thing than facing it, I guess. I just want you to be okay, even if I am not. I miss not being able to make sure you're okay.
I'm hoping that time eventually heals, because right now it's just making it a lot worse :(