Inspire.

I've been reading random people's blogs and forums in which are relevant to me purely just for information, and it made me realize so many normal people can be so inspiring. I really want to make something of myself as other people have. They take problems in which most people would see as negative, and turn it around to help others along the way. They write about their illnesses and chronic life-altering circumstances in a way in which you wish you just read in awe of what they make of themselves. People are so much more amazing, beautiful, and inspiring than people who seem to have a perfect lifestyle.

You would think they would be negative and feeling sorry for themselves, but every person I come across who has road blocks literally make me jealous of how far they've come and how strong they are.  They almost make you wish you had those problems. Almost. I think those people are confident on the outside, and not in denial of the truth. They have come to terms with their obvious challenges, and have altered their lifestyle to fit for a semi-normal life. Even people who know they are not going to make it past their teen years, they still live like they are going to become great-grandparents. I envy their optimistic attitudes. It's why I love volunteering at camps. Meeting people you never would picture yourself having a connection with is beautiful. And luckily, it's usually a two way street. Help someone and you help yourself along the way.

I want to be as inspiring as those people. Starting...
NOW.

Prove it.

"The only people you need in your life are the ones that prove they need you in theirs."

I love this quote, but I find it hard to follow sometimes. Sometimes you can't choose who is or is not in your life. There are always going to be people in your life who don't prove themselves, and there are going to be those people you prove to over and over again, but fail to reciprocate.

Yesterday I got a text from a past best friend saying "I've been having the worst couple of days ever and could use a smile and you're the only one who can make me smile when i'm having a bad day." While this is nice to hear, it annoys me that people think it is okay to go weeks, months, and years without talking until they need you again. The problem is when you let someone in your life, they begin to learn your responses to different scenarios. In this case, she knew I would forget the past and just crack a couple jokes to make her laugh. Sometimes it's easier to just not bring up things that hurt us from before so then we don't have to hurt all over. So we texted a couple times and then she randomly texted me again that night saying "Goodnight. I love you. Thank you for cheering me up today." It's little moments like these where you know you were put into someone else's life for a reason. Whether they realize it right then, or years later, it still matters.

When you have an understanding of how a best friend should be, it is hard for me to drift from that. In the beginning when you constantly are saying "I'll be there no matter what," or "We'll be best friends forever," you know, something we all say constantly to each other; well I never let go of how I felt during those days. So even when something bad happens in a friendship, I constantly go back to the days where I felt like I couldn't live without that person, and then I always end up forgiving them. Most of my friends no that and often times use it against me, walk all over me just because they know I'll always be there. But as much as I hate being taken advantage of, I believe I was made that way for a reason. And one day there will be someone who won't take advantage of me. They'll prove themselves worthy of a friendship before I have to threaten it. That day will make all the days in between worth it.

I feel like it's just common sense to prove to others that you need them in your life. I think I do that pretty well, and just never understood why you wouldn't constantly be there for the people who mean the most to you. But recently I've realized most do not go about it the same way. I can tell based on who makes an effort to see me on school breaks, who stays in touch with me when I'm at school, who randomly calls or texts me other than when they just need something from me. Little things like caring make a just a friend...a BEST friend.

On Second Thought...

It's probably a good thing when it is that difficult to let go. That means the person, or the memory meant a lot to you. If you got over something just like that, no matter how things ended...it probably did not mean much to begin with.

Just something I needed to remind myself.

They Say Time Heals...

I'm so tired of feeling empty, numb, and nostalgic. I just wish you'd sneak in my house without me knowing, hack my facebook status, force me to drive us to starbucks for the third time in one day, text me with all of your grammar errors, take all my clothes I think are ugly, go shopping with me for new ones, not yell at me for my bad driving while I drive us to Disneyland while we hydroplane, find random places to take pictures in, sing the same 3 songs you created a playlist for on my iphone in my car.

In the old days you would have made me smile by now. You would have not believed me after I told you I was okay, and would spam my Facebook wall until I laughed. You would have texted me random things until I forgot, and would go to Target with me to shop for nothing, and go on adventures through the canyon. You wouldn't have let me go after all this time. In the olden days you would have pretended you weren't mad and we could start over just like that. I wish I could move on like you are trying to do. But it still kills me inside when I see your family around, and you're still friends with all of our mutual friends. I see pictures and wish I could still be apart of those adventures. I miss how you used to make fun of me for not saying "I love you". Now you know why I don't like saying that. I say it and then look what happens...

I hate knowing that I caused you any sort of pain, even a fraction of what I am feeling. I know I have, and I know I can't take it back. Even though all of my friends don't understand why I miss you, I still do. They think I should be mad at you, forget about you, and move on. But I can't do that with someone who meant so much.  It's so hard being here so close to you, but so far away at the same time. It's easier at school, when I am not being constantly reminded of memories. I'm better at the running away thing than facing it, I guess. I just want you to be okay, even if I am not. I miss not being able to make sure you're okay.

I'm hoping that time eventually heals, because right now it's just making it a lot worse :(

"A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter; he who finds one finds a treasure."
-Sirach 6:14

'Cause these things will change, can you feel it now?

"I guess it's hard for people who are so used to things the way they are - even if they're bad - to change. 'Cause they kind of give up. And when they do, everybody kind of loses. "
-Pay it Forward

I just want you to know who I am.

And all I can taste is this moment 
And all I can breathe is your life 
Cause sooner or later it's over 
I just don't want to miss you tonight 


And I don't want the world to see me 
Cause I don't think that they'd understand 
When everything's made to be broken 
I just want you to know who I am