On Second Thought...

It's probably a good thing when it is that difficult to let go. That means the person, or the memory meant a lot to you. If you got over something just like that, no matter how things ended...it probably did not mean much to begin with.

Just something I needed to remind myself.

They Say Time Heals...

I'm so tired of feeling empty, numb, and nostalgic. I just wish you'd sneak in my house without me knowing, hack my facebook status, force me to drive us to starbucks for the third time in one day, text me with all of your grammar errors, take all my clothes I think are ugly, go shopping with me for new ones, not yell at me for my bad driving while I drive us to Disneyland while we hydroplane, find random places to take pictures in, sing the same 3 songs you created a playlist for on my iphone in my car.

In the old days you would have made me smile by now. You would have not believed me after I told you I was okay, and would spam my Facebook wall until I laughed. You would have texted me random things until I forgot, and would go to Target with me to shop for nothing, and go on adventures through the canyon. You wouldn't have let me go after all this time. In the olden days you would have pretended you weren't mad and we could start over just like that. I wish I could move on like you are trying to do. But it still kills me inside when I see your family around, and you're still friends with all of our mutual friends. I see pictures and wish I could still be apart of those adventures. I miss how you used to make fun of me for not saying "I love you". Now you know why I don't like saying that. I say it and then look what happens...

I hate knowing that I caused you any sort of pain, even a fraction of what I am feeling. I know I have, and I know I can't take it back. Even though all of my friends don't understand why I miss you, I still do. They think I should be mad at you, forget about you, and move on. But I can't do that with someone who meant so much.  It's so hard being here so close to you, but so far away at the same time. It's easier at school, when I am not being constantly reminded of memories. I'm better at the running away thing than facing it, I guess. I just want you to be okay, even if I am not. I miss not being able to make sure you're okay.

I'm hoping that time eventually heals, because right now it's just making it a lot worse :(

"A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter; he who finds one finds a treasure."
-Sirach 6:14

'Cause these things will change, can you feel it now?

"I guess it's hard for people who are so used to things the way they are - even if they're bad - to change. 'Cause they kind of give up. And when they do, everybody kind of loses. "
-Pay it Forward

I just want you to know who I am.

And all I can taste is this moment 
And all I can breathe is your life 
Cause sooner or later it's over 
I just don't want to miss you tonight 


And I don't want the world to see me 
Cause I don't think that they'd understand 
When everything's made to be broken 
I just want you to know who I am

you can't delete the past.

It sucks when someone you've known your entire life suddenly slips out of your life in an instant. It doesn't make sense to me how that could even happen. How you can grow up with a person, share every little detail with them, text them 24/7, walk through their door instead of knock, and then... poof! They're gone. You can delete me off of all virtual contact sites, but you can't delete the memories. You can erase the millions of pictures we have taken, but you'll still have flashbacks of them in your mind. You can't hide from memories, I've tried and I've failed.

I'll never understand how you can constantly say we'll be best friends forever no matter what, but then be so unforgiving a moment later. Do they just forget the good that outweighs the bad? Are they just in denial? Do they just not want to appear weak or trampled on? I hate when people say "I just don't know you anymore, or you've changed." Oops, sorry that I'm not the same person as I was when you met me over a decade ago. No matter what I'm still the same person. It doesn't matter where I live or how old I am or who I hang out with. I'll never change my morals and roots, and if you really knew me like you always said you did, you'd know that. The fact that a relationship can be cut off so easily makes me never want to have one again. Sorry can only get you so far, and it takes two people to fix a situation. I wish you didn't give up so fast because I miss you. All of the things I used to hate that you did are suddenly the things I miss the most. And so much time has passed that there is no way of restoring it. I just pray on it constantly hoping that someday you'd remember who I was and have faith that I haven't changed. Even if you don't want to admit it, I know you better than anyone. I just wish that counted for something.

homelessness.

When I first moved here, I was asking a girl I worked with (who had also recently moved from Southern California) how she liked living in San Francisco, preparing for her to say she loved it. She said she did like it, but she and her recently wedded husband of a year said they couldn't get over one thing: the homeless people. When I heard her say that I thought to myself...why would that bother you SO much? Enough for you to mention to me. I didn't get it. I mean, back home there are barely any homeless people unless you drift off to the slums of L.A. which I rarely did while living there. But today, I realized what she meant.

A proposition was passed a couple days ago. One that I honestly thought nobody would vote to pass. There were protests and news coverage all over the controversy by people who thought it was unfair. Proposition L would make it so the 7,000-10,000 homeless people in SF would be prohibited to sit/lay on the sidewalk. Well, not just homeless people, but they are the ones most affected. People say they are harassed by them on sidewalks, which in some cases are true. One street in particular you can't walk on without a guy saying something degrading and inappropriate as a way of hitting on you. But come on! This law is absolutely ridiculous. Where are these people supposed to go? They don't have a home, they don't have anything...and now we are taking the SIDEWALK away from them? Seriously...I still can't believe this was passed because everyone I know did not want it to which is saying a lot coming from people who deal with walking around them on a daily basis. I have yet to feel threatened by any. They literally just sit there and don't harm anyone and collect a few coins a day. It just makes me sad people are so selfish and don't like seeing people worse off than them obstructing their daily routes.

But anyway, today was the first day I saw how this law affected these people since I work downtown where a LOT of them were on the sidewalks since it is a very upper class street where rich people often give them money. It's funny because people passed it in hopes they would just disappear and not be bothered by them, when now they just ride muni (which we ALL take), and walk around sidewalks instead (which is more stalker-ish right?). But aside from that, these people have the saddest expressions I have ever seen on a face. Today was the first day I realized what my friend was warning me about when I first moved here. Usually, I just walk past them and try and ignore the looks of defeat because it really is depressing. But now, they just look empty. They look like they have nothing to live for and they are tired of trying and having everything taken away from them. You can just see the pain in their eyes. You can sense that they just want the day to be over, but is scared for a new one to begin. On my 40 minute bus ride, I just observed these faces. They had all of their belongings with them, some with an instrument, some with tents, and some with nothing. They all looked like they had nowhere to be. They were just on this bus because they have had everything stripped, including a freaking sidewalk. I literally can't explain the looks on their faces. One guy I was watching while we were at a light for awhile. He was walking on the sidewalk with his head down, no belongings at all, and he would just stop after every 20 steps. And do nothing. Just stop with his head down. And he'd do it again. He just looked SO sad I literally had to look away to not cry.

After today, I realized if I ever become rich, I want to help these people. I've always had the selfish attitude of "well, they are too lazy to get a job and get back on their feet, and they'll just buy drugs with the money...etc." And yes, some are/will. But honestly, if you had absolutely nothing, how would you get a job? You have no computer to type a resume let alone research who is hiring, no clean clothes, no transportation for the most part... no wonder they just look defeated. I couldn't help but wonder how they got to that place. Every person, I just tried to figure out their story. Were they tired of living by their parents rules and just moved out before they could think about it? Were they veterans? Did they lose their job due to the economy? I don't know, it just made me in a weird mood all day. You can't help but wonder what they could offer the world if they weren't in that position.

But this video is literally the most inspiring video for these people. It is one of the best music videos and lyrics I just wish I could show every person struggling because it makes you smile no matter what. Ryan Star made it especially for people who lost their jobs because of the economy. Please watch it, it will make your day.