Tuesday, July 20, 2010

ramble, ramble, faith.

It's almost 4 in the morning and I'm still awake. I don't think I've ever been this stressed in my entire life. And the lack of sleep is definitely not helping. I've also never been so scared in my entire life. I've never felt this many emotions at once, and I don't know how to deal with them. My heart has been constantly rapidly racing for literally two weeks, sleep is not really an option, thoughts are screaming in circles around my head, and so many difficult decisions need to be made. Which I'm horrible at. I wish I wasn't the most indecisive, impatient person on the planet ahh. I'm so scared of losing everything and everyone I spent my entire childhood building. I've known some of my friends since second grade, and I just don't want going away to college to ruin what years have developed. I'm so scared. I'm scared of making the wrong decision. I'm scared that I won't have anyone else to turn to when I leave. I'm scared that they won't have me once I leave. I feel guilty for many reasons as well. But I know I need to do this for me. I've wanted this change for awhile, I need out of Orange County. I'm hoping the risk will be worth the reward. And if it isn't, I hope I can come back and still have the relationships I put all my effort into saving. I've never prayed and put so much trust in God in my entire life. I know he will bless my future and keep me safe in the future he has already seen himself. I find comfort in that. I wish I could be the one foreseeing the future, but I guess that is what life is all about. God plans, we trust, live, and learn, right? That's what I have to keep remembering. All I need is a little bit of faith.

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