Bitter? Sweet?

So you probably know I have less than a week left here in Orange County. And you probably think I'm stoked about that since even before I got out of high school I was begging to get out of here. But now that its come down to it, I'm not as excited as I was in the beginning. Within the next month I'll be living on my own in a different city 8 hours away from anything familiar. Without my family, pets, friends, and regular spots. I'll have bills and school to worry about. I'll be 21. I'll have to learn how to do laundry, cook, and not get shot up on the street. I'll have to continue to keep my faith strong without having my regular church to go to every week, while being around people who will be much harder to say "no" too.




But anyway, here is a list of what I will miss about Orange County:
BITTER
-The sun.
-Disneyland.
-The canyon.
-My cat & dog.
-My friends.
-My DVR.
-Running at the RSM lake.
-Sunsets.
-My regular 24 hour fitness.
-My mom making me eat 685299 times a day.
-Not having to learn how to do laundry or cook for the most part.
-Being able to park pretty much anywhere without having to worry about street sweeping, or finding a spot.
-Flat streets.
-MY friends being able to just walk in my house without knocking.
-Having a living room.
-Random drives on PCH to Laguna Beach.
-Not bumper to bumper traffic everywhere.
-The beach.
-People I know I can trust.
-Hookah seshes.
-Night drives.
-Spectrum.
-Having money.
-A dishwasher.
-A washer & dryer.

Now, here is what I'm excited about.
SWEET
-A CHANGE other than Obama.
-Public transportation.
-Independence.
-Living in a city.
-Cute random stores that aren't in a stupid mall.
-Control.
-Meeting new people.
-New random adventures.
-A real university.
-A fresh start, a new beginning where my past won't haunt me.
-Studying things that actually interest me instead of math.
-Meeting people who aren't fake.
-Living in an area a TV show isn't based on.
-Making my own decisions, with less rules.
-Freedom.
-Not waking up and going to sleep with the smell of marijuana in my room.
-The "college experience".
-Seeing life through a new light.
-To test myself, my faith, my morals, my ambition, my friendships.
-To become more well rounded, less guarded, more accepting.
-The new vibe of a different environment completely the opposite of cookie cutter Orange County.
-Living in an apartment under MY name.
-A break from my family.
-Some distance from all the hurtful memories from all these years.
-To see which friends prove that distance doesn't matter. And to see who won't give up.
-Random good food other than the same stupid chain places. Ones that are open later than 8 on Sundays.
-Having things to do late at night other than driving around aimlessly.
-Being 21 in the city :)
-Having sport teams to root for.
-The nice green landscape instead of dry dirt and artificial trees.
-Hippies, peace signs, daisies <3



To sum it up, I really will miss a lot about Orange County, the place I called home for almost my entire 20 years of my life. It's hard to just get up and leave what you've always known. What you feel is safe. But how can you grow from something safe, and controlled? Your perception is weak, and your take on the world is would become worth little to nothing. You have to experience all that you can, meet all the people you can, learn all you can from anything possible, grow for the better, and help others grow positively through you. You have one life to live, you might as well make the most of it. I will never forget all the memories and friends I have made here and I really hope those can be maintained through the distance. I believe I will be able to find out who my real friends are, and some of that has already started before I have even moved. Being the naive person I am, this will truly test those who I consider good assets to my life. I really hope and pray that when I come back (which I will be visiting a lot, I promise), I will be able to pick up where I left off, and people won't let our memories only stay in the past, but also in the future. I know a lot of this sounds cliche, just bare with me, I'm not a fan either ;]

Oh, Monroe.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
-Marilyn Monroe

Who Knew?

Who knew: Pink

You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh, that's right

I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me
Yeah huh, that's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong

I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever, who knew?

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no, no no

I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you a friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong

But they knew better
Still you said forever and ever
Who knew? Yeah yeah

I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we, until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened?

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong

And that last kiss I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes it harder
I wish I could remember

But I keep your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling, who knew?

My darling
My darling, who knew?
My darling I miss you
My darling, who knew?

Who knew?

Decisions, decisions.

Sometimes I wish I could just go back to letting a magic 8 ball make my decisions.

"Best" Friends?

How do you really determine a "best friend"? When in a friendship do you determine in your head that a person has reached that level? Is it a talk you have like you would in a relationship? Is it a feeling you have? I've always wondered that. Sometimes I'm not so sure feelings are mutual when it comes to friendships. Sometimes I wait for the other person to say I'm their best friend before I admit it for myself. Maybe it's a trust issue. I can't trust anyone anymore like I used to. Recently, I've had to test pretty much all of my friendships. Some have failed that test, and some have passed. I've realized promises don't mean much. I realized that no matter how convincing words can be, and how real a person can seem, they can turn on you in a moment. I don't understand how one small fight or confrontation can ruin a friendship. Shouldn't we grow from it, and have a stronger one? I don't get how a best friend can give up so easily. After all the days and nights we spent building the foundation for it, building the trust up, having a million memories and future plans together. All of that can be ruined by a single moment. When people become stubborn and their pride gets in the way of being able to fix something that once was great. It's sad how little someone can care for a situation you care SO much about saving.

I find myself being there for people who aren't there for me back. I constantly try and contact friends who I feel like I'm losing even though they obviously don't deserve it. I forgive people who have ditched me, given up on me, replaced me, forgotten about me, used me, and brought me down. I don't know why I do it. I guess I'm just tired of losing people. I just care too much. And the only reason there is such thing as caring too much in a friendship is from the other person not caring as much. If they did, there would be no such thing as caring too much. I'm scared that if someone comes to me in desperation, they need someone, and that I can somehow help in a way they wouldn't get otherwise. It's just like the "Fix You" Coldplay song I posted below. In my head, I feel like it's my job to fix someone who is broken, even if they have hurt me before. I hate that people can walk all over me like that, but I honestly don't know how I can change that. The good thing is that I learn from my so called "friends" on how I shouldn't treat other people. I know what feelings I hate, and do anything I can to not repeat it to someone else. I think that is why I'm scared to be in any sort of relationship. I see how some of my friends have completely changed after being in one. They almost forget their own purpose and goals in life and become completely consumed in someone else's life. They forget about the people who have been their for them throughout everything. And then when they have relationship problems, what do they do? They come running back. I think it's so sad that people forget their friends until they need them again.

I know in my heart I am a pretty good friend. I've had some of my friends since first grade. I don't give up on friendships unless it is really dragging me down and making me a worse person overall. I make friendships to last forever, and I genuinely appreciate every single friend I have. I love learning from them in both positive and negative ways. It's just hard to differentiate who is mutually in it for life like I am. I think one of the best compliments I've ever gotten was someone saying I was a good friend. One of my best friends texted me the other night saying "people rarely ever find a friend like you in their entire lifetime", and it honestly made me tear up because it really is something I try the hardest at. And it's something that people often may say they appreciate, but also let go of so easily. The days that I don't want to try anymore, I just remember that maybe I could maybe make a difference somehow and be a friend to someone in a way they aren't used to. That feeling keeps me going.

So here is some last but not least advice: prove that your friendship is worth something, not only in the bad times, but also the good. Thank them for being there and really mean it. Offer support without them having to ask. Ask them how they are and actually listen to their answer. Make an effort to grow together as friends because with every day, a relationship should get stronger instead of weaker. But when a bad situation arises, use it as a positive to grow as an individuals as well as pairs. Don't shut someone out because you are scared to be confronted, and always be honest with your feelings. Only make promises you fully intend to keep, no matter what. Don't say you'll be best friends forever or "I love you", if you don't genuinely mean it 100%. It's not fair to the other person if you let them down. Don't take a single moment for granted, use your time to your advantage, and don't lose sight of what you found special in them in the beginning. So, are you really a friend, let alone a best friend?

ramble, ramble, faith.

It's almost 4 in the morning and I'm still awake. I don't think I've ever been this stressed in my entire life. And the lack of sleep is definitely not helping. I've also never been so scared in my entire life. I've never felt this many emotions at once, and I don't know how to deal with them. My heart has been constantly rapidly racing for literally two weeks, sleep is not really an option, thoughts are screaming in circles around my head, and so many difficult decisions need to be made. Which I'm horrible at. I wish I wasn't the most indecisive, impatient person on the planet ahh. I'm so scared of losing everything and everyone I spent my entire childhood building. I've known some of my friends since second grade, and I just don't want going away to college to ruin what years have developed. I'm so scared. I'm scared of making the wrong decision. I'm scared that I won't have anyone else to turn to when I leave. I'm scared that they won't have me once I leave. I feel guilty for many reasons as well. But I know I need to do this for me. I've wanted this change for awhile, I need out of Orange County. I'm hoping the risk will be worth the reward. And if it isn't, I hope I can come back and still have the relationships I put all my effort into saving. I've never prayed and put so much trust in God in my entire life. I know he will bless my future and keep me safe in the future he has already seen himself. I find comfort in that. I wish I could be the one foreseeing the future, but I guess that is what life is all about. God plans, we trust, live, and learn, right? That's what I have to keep remembering. All I need is a little bit of faith.

And I will try to fix you.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you