Superficial.

I just watched my guilty pleasure show, "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" (I know, I know). And I don't think I have ever been more disappointed in a celebrity before after this weeks episode. Kim suddenly got Psoriasis, (not even all over, just random spots) and acted like her life was over, and probably truly believed it was. Her mom said she had it and cried herself to sleep for months when she was first diagnosed and compared it to Leporasy and scaring Kim into ever dating again, and Kim wasn't much better saying she wouldn't be hired to model anymore and couldn't wear dresses on the runway ever again. I literally wanted to punch the screen. People like her are why I am so glad I have experienced life outside our superficial little bubble. I am so fortunate to have been apart of a camp for children with skin diseases. Harsh, skin diseases, DEADLY, painful, scarring, repetitive. Types nobody in the world should have to live with. And you know what? Those kids always have a smile on their face and never ever complain. It makes me sick that people are that shallow and can only get by on their looks. How sad it would be to actually have to use your brain to earn money rather than only being remembered by how big your butt is. It's sad really.

People I know are fully aware they are going to die of their disease. I can't even imagine. I can't even grasp that concept. Living every day to the fullest knowing that the disease you were born with will one day kill you. And here she is worried about a few patches ruining a photoshoot. And she is making money off of her ignorance which irritates me even more. I swear, I think the saddest part is, is that most people think like this. Most people actually are so insecure that they believe every possibility is derived on looks. If you're not in perfect condition you won't find happiness. You won't find a significant other, nobody will hire you, your friends will exclude you, nobody will want to touch you, nobody will look past your appearance into your character. In the world we live in, a lot of this is true for the most part. It's true because other people make it important, and make it matter. If people didn't place such importance on superficial notions, a person would be judged completely differently. I guess we just need to change people's perceptions and outlook on the world. But it becomes nearly impossible when you have networks broadcasting celebrities complaining about their so-called "problems."

So, I definitely wouldn't call this show a guilty pleasure. Maybe guilty disgust.

It's a Cycle.

Whenever we get hurt, we tend to blame anyone but ourselves. We don't see any ideal cause of why we would want to make ourselves feel pain, so we just assume the other person involved had a sneaky little plan to ruin a situation we once envisioned could stay perfect forever. But if you think about it, we really set up our own hurt. We trust people when we know they don't trust us the same amount back, we forgive people we know could never forgive us for doing the same thing, we make excuses for situations we all know the real explanation for, and we give into the same cycles over and over.

Nobody wants to be the one who hurts someone else, so you ignore the inevitable to hopefully ensure a different result: a result you know will never happen. We all have those people we give a million chances to because we can't allow ourselves to let go. Or we're too scared they might do something stupid if you finally admit to yourself that they will end up hurting you again. It's a cycle that they are well aware of.

People know how to manipulate others into feeling sorry enough for them to just forget the past. They can say those magic words of "I've changed," and somehow you always believe them. And somehow they always let you down again and again. They know what they're doing, that's the most annoying part about it. They usually say "I'm sorry," and "you were the best I ever had," so it becomes really difficult to stay mad at them. I don't know how to quit the cycle of hurt. I always tell myself this is the last time I'm going to forgive them, but somehow I always give in. I guess I'm too scared to risk other people's happiness because I know how it feels to lose it from someone. I would rather give into the situation well aware they will hurt me again as long as I don't hurt them in the same way. It's such a flaw, but I just hope that this person will stop the cycle since they know I'm not strong enough to do it first.

Life is like Jenga.

Life is like the game of Jenga. You can try and take pieces out of a tower slowly, carefully, and cautiously. But eventually, the tower will fall down. It can only stand on so many pieces without others noticing when it all comes crashing down.

Bring it on.

This summer I'm changing it up. I'm not going to waste my time hanging out with people who make it impossible to see them. If it seems like I'm making you a priority and you're treating me like an option, forget it. I don't care how close you consider us, or how good of an excuse you think of for why you ditched me, I'm not going to worry about it. This summer I want to be carefree, spontaneous, drama-free, happy-go-lucky, and adventurous. I want to start fresh with those people who never given up on me or our friendships, and build upon those relationships that have proved to be withstanding. I want to stay in touch with those people who have been there for me in San Francisco, even if I'm miles away. I want to see things I've never seen, drive on roads I've never drove on, and never shut down an opportunity for something new. Bring it on, summer.

:)

I'm really blessed. Your prayers worked <3

Second Chances.

Everyone makes mistakes, but does everyone deserve a second chance? I'm all for giving second chances as long as a person doesn't take advantage of forgiveness. But being in the position of asking for a second chance absolutely sucks. It is the worst when the person forgives you, yet they tell you nothing will ever be the same again. I'd almost rather not be forgiven. To know I can't change anything about the future, no matter what, kills me. When someone tells you "it is what it is," and that things are "just different" now takes away the little hope I once had. I don't see the point anymore. What is the point of saying sorry, seeking forgiveness, and learning from mistakes when the other person doesn't give you the one chance you need.

I just don't know what to do, or how to make it better. I can't live in regret or guilt anymore for something that turned into a way bigger issue than it should have. I give up trying to win everyone back because clearly nobody knows the real me anymore. I'm tired of having to prove to people that I'm the same. If you knew me, you know me. And those who stick with me, stuck by me which I appreciate more than they currently realize. Believe me, I've given my fair share of "second" chances out to people who didn't deserve them, or didn't care to better from them, and have gotten it thrown back in my face. But I've never regretted giving someone another chance. I've only regretted NOT giving someone a second chance. That is something you'll have to live with. What if they died in a car crash and you suddenly have to live with how you shut them out, deleted them from your lives, and didn't at least hear them out. If someone means so much to you, why would you let them go that easily? At one point, they were the person you needed.

Life's Rough

I could use some prayers.